Last night me and Maxi were chilling on the couch watching Intruders, which has got to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s only redemption was Clive Owen, whom I think is super sessy. Maxi was bemoaning the fact that The Hubster just recently dumped our movie channels for Netflix and she’s bitter because The Vow, starring (you guessed it) Channing Tatum, is now free on demand. “It’s messed up because I heard the girl in the movie never remembers that she was in love with the guy,” she says.

“Well then, why would you want to watch it? Sounds like a downer.”

“Because Channing Tatum is in it.” Emphasis on Channing Tatum.

“Oh yeah. I saw he was People’s Sexiest Man of the Year, but I’m not really feeling him. He has too many freckles for my taste.”

Behold, Freckle Man.

Maxi Me looked at me long and hard. “You’re knocking him for freckles? FRECKLES?! LOOK AT HIM!!” She shoves her iPad, plastered with a shirtless Channing, into my face. I just say, “Nope. He’s just ‘meh’ for me.”

And apparently I’m not alone. Buzzfeed called him a “a gyrating human potato.” The Washington Post says he looks like a thumb. I wouldn’t be so cruel, though. Honestly, the turn off for me was all the freckles on his shoulder. I mean, with all the awareness about skin cancer, Mr. Tatum could not invest in a $7.99 bottle of sunscreen? I mean, what kind of message does that send? Now we’re going to have young boys bedecked in Wal*Mart wife beaters forgoing life-saving zinc oxide to get shoulder freckles. Channing Tatum is a danger to society. Channing Tatum causes cancer. Somebody alert the authorities.

(No doubt, someone is bound to be offended by this post. They’ll say I’m discriminating against people with freckles. To them I say, feel free to make a complaint to the following email address: [email protected].)