So I have this friend. Let’s call her, Dramisha. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and I gotta say, her trouble with men follows her WHEREVER she goes. She’s the kind of friend who when she calls, I can skip Young & The Restless altogether.

After college she SWORE her ‘man mecca’ would be The South (won’t say where but I bet you can guess). She was going to meet her BMW, marry him, have 2.5 babies (your guess is as good as mine on how you can have half a baby) and be happily ever after. She found a BMW alright–but guess what? Not many of those around, so other black women were scratching her eyes out competing to snag him, AND he knew he was a coveted commodity and exploited it and her to the nth degree.

Hundreds of frantic calls, her crying, me cajoling her to have him assassinated. No luck. Damn; there goes six years down the commode.

Then Dramisha, after some contemplation, decided to do some swirling. The guy she dated went HARD after her, wanting Dramisha to be his girlfriend on Date Number Two. Of course she eventually fell for him. BUT WAIT! Turns out Mr. Rainbeau from this one not-t0-be-named small European country is a native of one of the most xenophobic places in all of Europe. Boyfriend went home, showed the fam a pic of Dramisha, got the “you will be cut off from the family fortune of you continue with this black chick” and then went back to The South and dropped Dramisha with the quickness.

THEN, she decided her future awaited overseas, so she’s in a Northern European country also not-to-be-named. While she admits she could EASILY find a man there (because they LOVE educated, black female Americans) she gets with the ONE GUY who came on strong at first, then cooled, is in his forties, never been married, still hung up on his ex, calls his mother three times a day AND she has access to his email PLUS, he trolls the Internet looking at girls at dating sites.

He’s just looking at the purdy scenery I guess. Or maybe he tripped and fell onto those singles classifieds. Could happen, right? Again and again? Yes?! Couldn’t it???!!!??

So now she’s all, “whoa (spelled WRONG by ME on purpose you grammar fascists!) is me, ALL men are bad–doesn’t matter what color! Black men just get a bad rap sheet but REALLY they’re ALL stank!!!!!!!”

You know what I told her?

Dramisha, EURO GUY sounds like the same type of non-committal man you’ve always dated, only wrapped in an international package. First thing, YOU MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THESE KIND OF MEN. Think of the common denominator in all this drama–take a look at yourself. She is you.

But before you continue with the “woe is me ALL men hurt me,” you have to take inventory in your part in this. Nothing is coincidence and bad luck doesn’t find you Dramisha, unless you’re in an open field, in the middle of a lightening storm, flying a kite with a key attached to it with tin foil on your head. You attract what some part of you deeply desires–drama. Like it or not, you are stimulated by the theatre of all this. Otherwise, you wouldn’t keep putting up with it year after year, guy after guy.

Size EURO GUY up. You have a bad feeling; you keep telling me so. He’s doing things that are red flags to you. You’ve been exposed to MR. CHAOS enough times to know him when you see him. Ask yourself, is this just the rainbeau version of MR CHAOS? If your answer is “yes,” then you need to leave. Right now. BE DONE. You said yourself that there’s a ton of guys that would have have loved to date you and marry you there, but nnnnnnnnnooooooo!, you passed all of them up for…the SAME G.D. THING.

Moral of the story: Mr. Chaos comes in all shapes, sizes AND colors. Think of them like Skittles. Different colors, but still all the same. Or Starburst. Learn to sniff them out and once you learn their scent, run. Like Forrest. Hell…like Yellowstone and Yosemite combined.

Note to self: Watch more Young & The Restless.