Like exercising, I know that it’s important to keep up to speed on sex.

But I don’t do porno. I find them absolutely ridiculous.

I remember in college a gay friend of mine showed me guy-on-guy and after I swallowed my initial reaction, I just shut my eyes at the sex parts and laughed through the plots. Since there wasn’t much of that, I just fell asleep. Porn for women is a little more plot-heavy with lots of fuzzy camera shots to make the scenes seem romantical (yes, I know that’s a cartoon word), but still. It’s all bad to me.

So then, there’s books. The problem with those is, it’s kind of hard to understand what to do if you don’t know the…urhm…anatomy names. So there I am, going back and forth between a sex book and a Gray’s Anatomy, and the whole thing just feels so unsexy.

Now that I’m married, it’s good to have some tricks. You know–keep it fresh. And with Valentine’s Day coming up, I need some new material. So here’s your challenge–teach me something creative, using NO fowl language, and refer to all sex parts in terms of fruits and vegetables. (e.g. banana, carrot, cantaloupes, oranges). Whoever give the best lesson gets this, courtesy of …Wet. Yes; that is the name of the company. See for yourself.

AND! A brand, spanking new copy of “The Joy of Mindful Sex: Be in the moment and enrich your lovemaking.” Which take a yoga-like, meditative tactic to having good sex. And…you know how much I like yoga. Especially NEKKID YOGA.

AND! To get you in “the mood” to talk dirty to me only through the use of fruit and vegetable euphemisms, here’s my boy, Tommy Valentino talking wine and amore:

And finally, for all you single ladies: have fun, but let ’em know! No Wedding No Womb!