****DISCLAIMER: DUE TO RECENT CONVERSATIONS ABOUT “APPEARANCES” THE FOLLOWING ENTRY IS SATIRE. IRONY. JEST. (except for the part about Petal Happy–I really do like her work ;-)****

I wasn’t going to do it. Because I’m sick of it. Sick of seeing Kate and Prince whatever-his-name is plastered on my television. I thought to myself, if I see one more Extra! segment on these two, I just may put myself into a coma by ramming my head into the television. I’d wake up just after it was over, with complete amnesia about the courtship, engagement, and wedding.

And speaking of Prince William, he’s definitely got a catch with Kate Middleton. Yeah; yeah, you could say he’s pretty hot too, but look at that magical disappearing hairline. Bet you a king’s ransom he’ll have a comb-over in five years. It’s interesting how, now, when you can count the hairs on his head, he’s all excited to tie the knot. Kate doesn’t mind though. With all that pomp, I’d have his bald-behind’s 50-11 babies, if I didn’t already have 50-11 babies.

You’d think that with having more money than God, they’d have some kind of Royal Hair Club for Men and that William would go there. Call me cynical, but I think he’s getting married because he doesn’t want to care anymore about whether or not you check your make-up in his forehead.

Frankly, I was more excited about Princess Diana’s nuptials, and begged, PLEADED my mother to let me stay home from school that day to watch. But that was before HBO and Showtime. And The Tudors, Spartacus, Pillars of the Earth and Camelot, which I find exponentially more interesting.

So…that’s why I didn’t want to write about the wedding today. My mother told me that if you can’t say anything nice, talk about silly stuff like Courtesy Flush.

I bet you’re wondering why, after all that complaining, I’m writing about the wedding ANYWAY, sitting here in San Diego airport waiting for JetBlue to pick up the crumbs on the plane so I can head to New York City.

It’s because Camille, proprietor of Petal Happy, who sells kick-arse handmade petal aisle runners and carpets, thought all you brides-to-be and wanna-be-brides-to-be might be glued to the play-by-play, taking notes, taking out loans, and selling the furniture to have a wedding like William and Kate’s. So in the last minute, ten minutes before my flight, I have caved.

When I looked at her work, I gotta say, if I had heard about this nine years ago, it would’ve gone in the budget.

Happy wedding watching!