I have a confession: Unless someone has done something absolutely terrible or is consistent in their questionable behavior, I have a tendency to forget things. I may actually forget who they are if it’s a one time thing. Let me tell you, there are few things as awkward as being stalked by someone who is angry about something you said months prior-whereas you have no idea who the heck they are. O_o

So it is against this backdrop which I am often asked about or outright accused of hating Group X. “Group X” is whichever group is called out in something that I’ve written.

One of the most interesting things in the world is this idea that a black woman cannot speak on her experiences without being full of not only anger, but hate.

Usually this is trotted out as a silencing tactic: The best way to prove you are NOT full of anger and hate is to shut up immediately. Or at the very least stop the important conversation you are having to explain to the derailer how you don’t hate Group X or Y or Z. What then happens of course is that a side discussion arise. You are put on trial regarding your alleged unfairness, hypocrisy and why it’s super important that you make better use of the word “some”. As well as whether or not you feel this way or that way about Group X when you pass them in the supermarket.

In the end, black women get so worn out by explaining, disclaiming, and rationalizing, that they’ve been successfully derailed and the point they were originally trying to make is dead on arrival.

This is why I don’t do disclaimers.

But to get back to the point: Do I spend my days and nights full of hate and anger?

NOPE.

I typically do not spend my time exposed to the sources that serve to keep black women full of anger, despair and a lack of hope. At the same time, I’ve met enough people in the world to know that not everyone is full of the evil and ignorance that is so harmful to black women such as myself.

“You must hate all _____, and that’s why you’re speaking like this!”

Why is it a black woman’s thoughts and feelings about black woman-centric issues MUST come from a place of hate? Especially when those thoughts and expressions don’t flatter the often guilty parties*?

Is it LOVE when a black woman refuses to call out bigotry and abuse?

Is it LOVE when a black woman allows herself to be shouted down and silenced?

Is it LOVE that causes black women to continue to mammy and mule for people who refuse to reciprocate?
….And is it out of LOVE that the offenders show up to derail and gaslight black women whenever they dare raise their voice about how they don’t like these things?

You know better. And if you don’t, you should.

Discussions aren’t about love or hate, as emotions are never ever that simple. How often do we hear about abuse victims who talk about how much they love the man who damn near beat them to death? Or how a son can hate his mother even as she’s been his only support system, never harmed him, or given him everything he could ask for?

These talks are instead often about issues and problems, that while they can raise emotions aren’t as simplistic as “talking about this means you hate ______”.
Bottom line: A black woman doesn’t necessarily hate you because she doesn’t co-sign your bullsh* t. And love doesn’t mean being tricked, gas-lit or goaded into doing so.

*A “hit dog hollers” as far as I’m concerned.