Yet another bloated bubble of negative creativity, arising from the primordial ooze within the mind of SirLoinDeBeef.

There once was a lady of Clyde.

From eating green apples, she died.

The apples fermented

Inside the lamented,

Made cider inside her insides.

♦

Most of the ‘best’ limericks are of that timeless subject, delicately called the ‘battle of the sexes.’ The conflict, it is widely inferred, will never be won, because there is too much fraternizing between the combatants.

Now, a limerick (which, after all, has only 5 lines) that contains a pun inside it might be though of as pretty rare, such as:

A throaty French porn queen of note,

Announced to the press (and we quote):

“Going down is my bag,

So excuse me the gag,

I’ll soon have a frog in my throat!”

♦

The three ages of Man:

Tri-weekly!!!

Try weekly.

Try weakly …

♦

Two buzzards were boarding a plane, headed to Miami, Florida, for the winter, each clutching two very-long-dead racoons in their claws, but the flight attendant was firm: only one carrion per passenger.

♦

Dr. Daniel Druff, MD, was frequently found on his ranch, scratching his head, and trying to figure which of his brewed teas was the best for a particular patient. Dan had a tea for every ailment, ache and pain. He had a tea for everything: catnip tea … Valerian tea … horny goat weed tea … saw palmetto tea … green tea … white tea … even Lipton ™ tea!

Not unexpectedly, Dan was a Wiccan Pagan, skilled in the modern application of Magick for the ills of modern life … particularly if it could be ‘cured’ with a tea.

Since tea-brewing took up so much of his life, he hired a ranch hand named Lanna Lee to help out around the place, but he bored her to tears with his endless talk of tea this and tea that, to the point where Lanna ‘took up’ with Dr. Druff’s worst enemy, known only as the Blood-Let man, or the Phlebotomist, as he called himself. Obviously, for many years, there was bad blood between them.

It came to a breaking point one day. The Phlebotomist, acting with the help of Ms. Lee, did as the old song said:

The pagan he could never stand: sing rickiti-tickiti-tin

The pagan he could never stand,

So a cyanide tea he planned.

The pagan died with his cup in his hand …

And his face in a hideous grin!

A grin! … a grin! … his face in a hideous grin!

Following the dastardly act, both the blood-let man and his lover departed for parts unknown.

The obituary in the local newspaper read: Druff, the magik pagan, lived for the tea: done in by the phlebotomist and a hand called Lanna Lee.

♦

Torture almost over. This is a version of the story, “Little Red Riding Hood”:

Think of it this way. During WW II, lots of things–like gasoline, leather, rubber & metal–were rationed, because they were in short supply or were diverted to the needs of the war. People had to do without or find substitutes. Now imagine if the usual words were also rationed, and you had to make use of substitutes:

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage, honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fur disk raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut.

Wan moaning, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut’s murder colder inset. “Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer groinmurder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote! Dun stopper peck floors! Dun daily-doily inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers !”

“Hoe-cake, murder,” resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft. Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof. ” Wail, wail, wail ! ” set disk wicket woof, “Evanescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?”

“Armor goring tumor groin-murder’s,” reprisal ladle gull. “Grammar’s seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter an shirker cockles.”

“O hoe! Heifer gnats woke,” setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, “Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an denÑO bore!”

Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinney retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner windrow, an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. En inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet, paunched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin-murder’s nut cup an gnat-gun, any curdled ope inner bet.

Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker dough ball. “Comb ink, sweat hard,” setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse. Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity betrum an stud buyer groin-murder’s bet.

“O Grammar !” crater ladle gull historically, “Water bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!”

“Battered lucky chew whiff, sweat hard,” setter bloat-Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase.

“O Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomolous prognosis!”

“Battered small your whiff, doling,” whiskered dole woof, ants mouse worse waddling.

“O Grammar, water bag mouser gut ! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!”

Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull’s lest warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard hoarded woof lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt.

Mural: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers.

Until next Monday.