Monday-Punday #5

Once again, from the noisome, ichor-besmirched depths of SirLoinDeBeef’s perverse depravity, comes these droppings of literary stench:

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Television is referred to as a ‘medium,’ because it is neither rare nor well done!

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“What kind of a car ya drive?” – “It’s a four point tool eater Jaguar”

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It seems that, one evening, Roy Rogers put his brand-new boots out on the porch, before going to bed. Next morning, he found that a wildcat had come down from the hills and had made a mess of his boots. They were chewed and mangled … totally unwearable. Roy swore revenge on that cougar, and taking his trusty Winchester 30-30, rode out on his horse, to hunt that animal. And so he did. Late in the afternoon, Roy rode back to the ranch with the carcass of the cougar draped across his saddle.

His wife looked up, smiled and said, “pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

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The old cowboy, Asperger’s Tex, was riding along the lonely fence line, aboard his orange dual-sport KLR 650. Nearing the line shack, you could hear him a’singin’:

“I’m an old cowhand from the Rio Grande

But my legs ain’t bowed and my cheeks ain’t tan

I’m a cowboy who never saw a cow

Never roped a steer ’cause I don’t know how

And I sure ain’t fixin’ to startin’ now

Yippee-i-o-ki-ay.”

“I’m an old cowhand from the Rio Grande

And I learned to ride before I learned to stand

I’m a ridin’ fool who is up-to-date

I know every trail in the Lone Star State

‘Cause I rode ’em all in my Ford V-8

Yippee-i-o-ki-ay, hey yippee-i-o-ki-ay.”

Stepping up the stairs to the line-shack, he keyed in the security code. Opening the door, he pitched his hat onto the rack, turned up the AC, put a DVD in the entertainment center player and went into the kitchen for a cold beer from the fridge.

But, when he parked the bottle on the kitchenette range-stove, he bumped the storage pantry, and at least a dozen melons fell out, bouncing all over the stove and floor, and knocking the beer bottle over, which, of course, bubbled and foamed out all over the stove.

It was foam, foam on the range, where the beer and the cantaloupe play.

>>> See y’all next Monday <<<