Monday-Punday #7

SirLoinDeBeef gets an unholy enjoyment out of making people groan, clutch their bellies and start to compose elegant death threats and/or cease-and-desist injunctions …

Why is the English common law so concerned with property rights? Because the English gentry insisted on proper tea rites every afternoon.

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Which elements are used in medicine? Helium and curium, and if those fail, barium.

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I asked a doctor when there would be a cure for the common cold, and he said it would happen when swine flu.

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Did you hear about the three-legged dog who hobbled into the saloon and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) … A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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There once was a yellow frog and all the other frogs used to tease him. So, one day he went to an old witch and asked if she could, change him to green. The witch said she could and she said the magic words.

Blam! The frog was green! But when the frog looked down he said, “Hey, my private parts are still yellow!”

The witch said, “I don’t do private parts! I am a properly brought-up witch! You’ll have to go to my sister witch (that common Hussy), down the road.”

So off the frog went. Shortly after, a blue deer came to ask the witch to change him to brown. The witch did.

Blam! He was a brown deer. But, he too saw that his private parts were still blue. “What about my private parts?”

The witch told him to go to her sister’s house and she’d change his private parts to brown (“she’ll do your private parts, and probably everyone else’s, too, the slut!”).

The deer said, “I’m not very good with directions. How do I get there?”

The witch said, “Oh that’s easy, just follow the yellow-dicked toad!”

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It was a doctor’s regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri”, to which the bartender replied, “No, I’m sorry, it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

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>>> See y’all next week <<<