I get countless letters from fans who desperately want the attention of a guy they’ve had their eye on. They want to know how to tell them how they feel, creative ways to exchange numbers, and the perfect formula for texting. And when things don’t go the way the wish, they can get so disheartened and discouraged, and leads to a kind of morose energy that others can pick up on, which perpetuates a hopeless feeling.

Best selling author and relationship expert, Matthew Hussey thinks you’re doing it all wrong. Here’s why:

We see attraction the wrong way. Women are constantly asking, “how do I get this oneguy attracted?” instead of saying, “how can I become attractive – not just to one guy but to guys?”  

I get it. We’ve all had crushes. There is a girl who I used to be attracted to long ago, and it was just crushing me inside to think about this person. She seemed so amazing, and because she was the only person that I thought about, she became more amazing by the day.

See, I want to tell you something. That guy that you keep thinking about? He becomes moreamazing every day because you’re thinking about him all the time and no one else. 

When you think about someone, you’re investing in them on an internal level. Then they becomemore attractive because we value what we invest in.  

When you’ve invested all of that thought, energy, and hope into one person, the stakes get so high that you stop being yourself around him and you stop doing the things that could actually get him attracted, like just being a great person, having fun, being out of your head, being spontaneous and, not giving a damn about the result. 

But we don’t do that when they become that “one guy.” When I think back to those girls who I had crushes on, those people never wanted me. If they said, “Matt, can you hold this for me?” 

I’d be like, [gasp], “She likes me. She wants me. 

She’s changed her mind – she’s finally noticedme.” 

But she just noticed that I was a guy who would do anything for her because my standards forself-respect were so low that I’d do anything to get her to like me.  

We convince ourselves it comes from this beautiful place of, “oh, I would do anything for them because I like them so much.” No, we’d do anything for them because we want them to like us so much. When they sense that we’ll do anything to get them to like us, their respect level goes down and their attraction goes down with it.

Recognize yourself anywhere in there? For more on how Matthew can help you stop dating from a position of scarcity, click here.