Leona’s Love Quest

The Introduction

Not long ago, I quit my job. Probably not the smartest move in the middle of a recession, but it was time to take a good long look at my life and what I was doing with it. I was an assistant professor on the verge of applying for tenure, but as a single woman who loved the city the very thought of a making a long-term commitment to this largely exasperating job located in a small, isolated town filled me with anxiety. Soon my ambition began to crumble under a weight of ambivalence and apathy. Faced with what looked like a list of insurmountable obstacles to overcome in less than a year, I decided it was definitely time to go.

Ironically, I ended up in that small, isolated town in Virginia because I had resigned from my previous job in a small, isolated town in Georgia for all the same reasons except that I had fallen in love and been rejected twice, so I felt much worse about being single. To be honest, at times when I was satisfied with many other aspects of my life, I was never content with being single. Since high school I had yearned for a boyfriend with whom I could share my affections and experience real intimacy, but all I ever found was rejection, imitations of love, or empty promises. What happened to my husband and family the “American Dream” had promised me since I was a child? Why was I still alone when so many of my friends were falling in love, getting married and having babies? I wanted answers and when I didn’t get them I became angry, despondent and resentful. I started to believe I was unlucky, star-crossed or maybe even cursed. When I turned 40, I began to just accept the probability that I was going to be single the rest of my life- until I quit my job.

With the weight of the world suddenly off my shoulders, I felt like the possibilities were endless. I had a kick-ass summer and it wasn’t long before I had networked myself into enough projects and part-time work to relocate to Baltimore. Every day seemed to confirm that I had made the right decision and I was filled with a renewed energy. I curtailed the drinking habit I had developed from attending weekly happy hours, started working out consistently and eventually dropped 15 pounds. Still, when I thought about dating again, I was paralyzed with fear. It was just easier to convince myself I had already tried everything to find true love and none of it worked and things were hopeless.

That was my state of mind when I discovered beyondblackandwhite.com. I have always been open in inter-racial dating, but so far my encounters with it have been less than ideal. The commentary in the forums on BB&W was so lively and safe; it felt like the perfect platform to explore my relationship issues with people who shared very similar and vastly different experiences. Recently, a kind and happily married woman suggested I read Finding a Husband after 35 by Rachel Greenwald and something just clicked. I liked the idea that someone out there proposed they had a proven method for finding a husband and all I had to do (for the moment) was read. I could choose to follow their advice or decide it was all bullshit and ignore it, but at least it was a step. I logged on to amazon.com which suggested I also might like If I’m so Wonderful, Why am I Still Single? by Susan Page, and would qualify for free shipping if I threw in Love in 90 Days by Diana Kirschner (damn those marketing bastards at Amazon!) So now it’s on like Donkey Kong folks- I’m taking these books on a road test and bringing you along for the ride.

Why, you may ask, would this woman want to broadcast her search for love on a blog? It’s a good question and I can’t say that I am not without apprehension, but I do believe in the power of the collective. I’m hoping your encouragement and feedback will keep me motivated and accountable to reaching my goal. It’s too easy to give up when no one is watching (how is that New Year’s resolution coming along?) At best, I could be on my way to creating a real, lasting love relationship in as little as 90 days; at worst, I may be able to inspire some other involuntary singles to start their own search.

Stay tuned for regular updates on my quest for true love.

So…who’s Leona?

Leona Carson is a designer and freelance writer from Philadelphia, PA who also teaches college courses in theatre. She is on a quest for a lasting love relationship that will lead to marriage by the end of the year .