While the Question of the Week library of hundreds of interracial relationship coaching videos are now behind a paywall (I’ll launch it soon), I will occasionally answer questions from fans. The feature is called, On the Purple Couch. If you would like to be considered for OPC, email me at [email protected].

Here’s the first letter. Gives a lot of “food” for thought.

I start this letter by saying that since I was in elementary school, I’ve liked Caucasian males. I got along with them there, middle and high school. While a cheerleader I caught the attention of one of the star basketball players, who was white. He asked me out, (keep in mind this was during the 80s). My Grandfather told me “If you bring a white boy here I’m going to sit on my front porch and shoot him between the eyes”. Because he was mean at that time, I believed what he said and nixed going out with the basketball player,  which I secretly wanted to.

Forward to my late 20s, after a marriage and my wonderful son, I thought I had it all. I worked in a financial institution and made pretty good money. Now I’m divorced, a victim of domestic abuse, (3rd time in my life before age 30), and just lost. I just couldn’t seem to get my life in order and have someone share my life with me who didn’t want to beat me half to death or put a gun to my head. After my divorce I partied a bit, my sister and I. We partied at the “White People’s clubs). I never felt more at ease and comfortable. Wow!!

I met this WM at an after work spot my coworker and I went downtown. He was the only WM there and all the BM were holding up the wall. The WM was the ONLY Male that approached me. He sat at our table and asked my name. Before I knew it, we were walking out, he holding my hand while the BM stood looking at me like they thought I betrayed them. We talked all night long. We dated for a while but he came from a family of old money and old ways if you know what I mean. That didn’t last long.

So, I went to dating again BM and just not feeling fulfilled nor excited. I became resigned to the fact that I’m “supposed” to be with a BM and I accepted it even though I wasn’t happy. Got married again. Got abused again. Was this my new “normal”? I still didn’t give up because I knew for sure I will find my Mr. Right.

Now, I’m 40. So I married another BM who is retired from military and 20 yrs older than me. I thought that he liked to be active as I was very active and loved to go jogging twice a day. Boy was I wrong. I quickly settled into a “boring” lifestyle with no passion,  hardly any sex and lack of communication. Before we married, none of these things existed. Within 3 months of marriage, I started eating like crazy because I became depressed. I married at 130lbs and 5 ft 1. In almost 2 yrs I ballooned to 200 lbs. He gained weight as well, big time. I went back to school 8 yrs ago to get my degree in Psychology and we moved to the West coast to aid my mother in law. When I got here, I felt alive for the 1st time in 9 yrs, (that’s how long we’ve been married now). I turned 50 and I’m still desiring a WM or other ethnicity. I love my husband but…… I’m empty inside. No intercourse in years. I just resigned myself that this is my life. I appreciate him and now that he’s 70, he doesn’t want to be alone. I understand. So I will stay and continue to emotionally overeat. What do I do? I need to be on someone’s couch (smile). Any other time if someone had this issue, I would say you have a choice on loyalty or being happy, but why can’t I be both? I’m in this beautiful state with everyone caring about health, and I can’t get off my couch and I cry alot. Don’t get me wrong. I love him and appreciate him and anything I can do for him to aid him, I will do in a minute, but I’m empty and lonely.

Please help me. I need to feel good about myself, even though people think I’m beautiful and in my 30s, I don’t feel it. How can I overlook what I’m going through and how do I stop emotionally overeating and caring about me and my health?

Signed,

Lonely on the West Coast

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