Written by Nicole J.

Here’s an unpopular opinion for you: in 2019, if you’re a black woman and against swirling, you are stupid. Okay, stupid is harsh, but you’re definitely not being honest about the weight of the challenges single black women face in the dating world.

Am I saying that non-black men are the solution to all the problems we face as black women? No, not at all. In fact, non-black men are to blame for some of the issues we face. But pigeonholing yourself into waiting for the Good Black Man, especially when you want to get married and start a family, will leave you single and childless for a lot longer than if you simply expanded your options.

Do Good Black Men exist? Yes, in small amounts. And finding them is proving more and more difficult.

For example, say you will only date, mate, and relate with a black man. First of all (in the US, anyway) black women outnumber black men, so the numbers start out imbalanced. If you only consider black men who have never been to jail (which is a measure that should be applied to ALL men, by the way), that further limits your options. If he’s got to be a college graduate, the number falls again. And if you require a black man who is on equal or better financial footing with you, you’re down to an even smaller amount, especially if you are in a higher tax bracket yourself.

Just by simply expanding your options and stepping out of the group think will open you up to a wider range of men to choose from. Don’t let the men who don’t meet the standards you keep for yourself shame you into dating some Dudley Do-Nothing who has nothing to offer you but a roll in the hay.

Let’s face it, the collective of black men (especially the ones with a platform, big or small) have a weird hatred of their female counterparts. A lot of the men on YouTube revel in the news stories that show a black woman being abused. Many think of us as “females” rather than women, undeserving of protection because we are “strong and independent”.

The contextualization that is afforded to black men is not given to us – for example, when a black man is harmed by a nonblack police officer, the automatic response is racism and the capes and marching boots are donned in the name of justice. But when a black woman is harmed, by any race of man, the questions that come up are “Well, what was she doing? He wouldn’t have gone off like that if she didn’t say something slick/She’s strong, she should be able to handle herself” etc. Women supporting a black male victim will say “he could have been my brother or my cousin or my uncle”. But black female victims? Eh, she probably deserved it.

The idea of holding out for a collective of men who would record your suffering and upload it online to go viral, rather than step up and do the things men are supposed to do for their women, is not a wise one at all. Black women can find love in all races of men, and a smart woman will keep her options open, regardless of the melanin content her future partner might have. After all, black men are finding their happiness in other races of women (and degrading us upon their departure, but that’s another story). What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

The arguments against swirling are vast. Some of them (in no particular order) include:

• Non-black men just fetishize us!

  It’s been said before, and I’ll say it here too. ALL men fetishize women. Black men took the fetishization of black women to a whole new level. The famous ones broadcast us in their music videos and songs in various states of undress, twerking all the while. In their lyrics, especially in rap and hip-hop, it’s hard to find a song that doesn’t heavily feature tits and ass as a subject (not to mention other degenerate behaviors, but that’s not the topic right now). If you’re afraid of being fetishized I’m afraid that the list of men of any race who don’t do it is very, very short.

• Other races of men don’t like black women!

  There’s a lid for every pot. And many black men don’t like the likeness and image of the black woman they came out of, so you’re basically damned if you, damned if you don’t. Vet ALL races of men and find the one that’s right for you.

• I have to have black children!

  As a childless woman myself, you may not value my opinion on this, and I respect that. But your child is your child. Would you love your child less because they weren’t fully black? When I have children I will love them, not because of their race, but because they’re mine.

Those are only a fraction of the arguments against swirling. If, despite the evidence, you choose not to expand your options, that’s fine too. I want ALL black women to find their happiness, no matter the race of the man that provides it. But to limit yourself to one narrow range of men is not doing you any favors, either.

What say you? Let us know what you think in the comments.