Look at me and what do you see? A black woman. Pretty simple, right? Not exactly.

You see, there are persons who consciously or unconsciously look at me and decide I have to choose a box to jump into: BLACK or WOMAN. Surprisingly, it is too much for some people to comprehend that I can be both at the same time. Struggle with issues attached to being black and a woman at the same time. They cannot accept a reality where these things are equally pressing to my being, because such persons refuse to fathom it. It is inconvenient to them. Because whether it’s race or gender, THEIR particular box is more important to them. And I’m expected to agree with this and choose a box to jump into.

Am I black? Do I put my gender woes on the back burner, swallow pride as a woman and play second fiddle to a movement that was never based around the needs of my femininity and womanly expectations? Do I pretend not to notice being systematically devalued for failing to be a black man? Or that I would be indoctrinated to work against my own best interests for “the cause”? It is seen as perfectly natural for me to shirk off being considered “asexual”, a “shemale”. Or angry, even if I have every right to be. Funny, the “angry woman” meme is a sexist one in nature. That would still be tossed at me even as persons expect me to not give a crap about my gender.

In the black box, I shouldn’t expect the same courtesy afforded to women of other ethnic groups. No one is expecting them to check their womanhood at the door.  But it is tolerable for some to treat black women as if they were not supposed to be a lady, but something…less. To expect the respect that these ignorant creatures would jump over one another to give me if I were anything other than black is therefore pointless. The irony in this is that not only would my femininity been sacrificed, I will not gained any equal footing within my race. When you say “we are in this together” if I jump into your black-first box, you are a liar.

Jumping into the “black” box means I am expected to be a crutch for men who will not support me equally; to walk all the way across the street to hold their hand because they are entitled to not take a single step in my direction. Where I disappear completely from being seen as normal, or being seen at all past a certain skin shade. Where there is something wrong with me if I want to have standards and boundaries that anyone else would call sensible if applied to a non-black woman. And yet, somehow, become TOO high for me.

In the black box, I will have sacrificed my femininity for someone else’s cause, and I would still not be an equal if it were any sort of real war. I am not interested in being an asexual battering ram.

I want no part of the black box.

So then, do I jump into the “woman” box? Hmm. I don’t think so. I am tired of certain women acting as if they can be racist, underhanded and or poisonous towards my person, but expect me to support them unconditionally anyway. And for no other reason than simply because we are both women. A recent example  was the response by “Bunheads” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino to Shonda Rhime’s critique regarding the lack of ethnic diversity on her show:

“….I’ve always felt that women, in a general sense, have never supported other women the way they should…I think it’s a shame, but to me, it is what it is.”

If you somehow missed the BS this person just slapped you in the face with, let me break it down for you: This ideology that some white women pander is that as a black woman, you cannot be black AND a woman. Your gender takes precedence in the great struggle against “the patriarchy”. You must turn a blind-eye to racial slights by your “sister”, who is enjoying her white privilege on the other side of the fence. Despite using this privilege as a wall between you in terms of empathy, these women have no shame in trying to co-opt your body for their struggles. Even as you can expect to not necessarily hear a peep out of these women where BLACK WOMEN are being disrespected and threatened. Not until they drop the BLACK and suddenly become visible with these frauds.

Yes, one can and has made this observation regarding mainstream feminism and women’s interests. Here, here, and here, for example. To be blunt: I’d bet both my breasts that you will never find as many white feminists willing to sacrifice their white privilege and engage in full-on racial empathy as you will black feminists, who’ve put their specific racial-gender gripes aside to be of service. This isn’t to say that there aren’t white women who recognize the importance of sexual and racial equality.

Susan B. Anthony  was a long time champion of freedom and equal rights for blacks until she realized she was being thrown under the bus by black men who wanted rights, but weren’t interested in reciprocating women regarding their rights. Frederick Douglass, who has long been a highly regarded figure among African Americans, had no problem going toe to toe with Susan over why it was more important for black men to get suffrage rights than women. Thereafter, she elected to focus on women’s rights, because she could see very clearly that these men were out for themselves. But black women did not have the convenience of simply abandoning the struggle for racial equality because they were still black, and unequal. Just as they were also women, and unequal.

But, Susan’s common sense example applies here: Stop fighting for people who are not fighting for you. Stop debating which box you need to jump into when you are going to be losing part of yourself no matter what you do. What’s the sense in losing half of your identity to appease other people who simply refuse to see and respect you as a whole person?

For my part, I have no problem thinking of myself as both African American and a woman. I know there are some women who agonize over this, or who simply cast aside one or the other because it’s too much trouble to interact with people and have them see your gender and your ethnicity at the same time. One is played up and the other depreciated or ignored. And this is a shame to me: who are you interacting with where there is some sort of omission necessary on your part in order to be visible and valued? Or more often than not, conscripted and used?

QUESTION: Have you felt pressured to choose between your  ethnicity and gender? Do you think this pressure is applied to black women more so than other groups, especially white women? And if so…why?