Yesterday my mother-in-law treated all us girls to a spa day at a snazzy place in Westport called, Coco Spa, and I had my pick of a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage. Yoga and pilates usually keeps me as loose as a noodle, so I opted for the facial. Lee, the purveyor of my procedure, looked at me quizzically. At first I thought she might have been eyeballing me because I was the only chic with the spectacular afro in the group, but she later told me it was because she give my face an initial once-over a few feet away over the counter and thought I didn’t need a facial, and thought I’d be wasting her time and my mother-in-law’s money.

That is, until she examined my pores under the gigantic microscope. She took one look and gasped. “Oh my God…” Lee said in almost a whisper in her choppy Korean accent. I’m all like, “What?” She didn’t answer, just got to work squeezing and pressing. She paused between smooshing my nose, and told me to take this photo for prosperity. She was convinced no one would believe this much goop came out of my face.

No; those aren’t maggots you see. Those are my pores…vomiting. Don’t cringe–this is what you might look like when you wait five years between professional extractions.  On the bright side, Lee told me that THIS is the reason that at 39, I have no wrinkles. My face is full of cholesterol and sebum, which acts as a natural moisturizer.  Once that oil reaches the surface, oxygen turns the tips black. Stop reading for a second, and go look at your nose. See any tiny black spots? Chances are you nose, forehead and chin look like mine, and you need a date with Lee.

Why You Need Professional Help

I don’t care how fancy your facial cleansers are, nothing gets those little maggots out except putting the squeeze to them. Leave them in too long, and your pores become enlarged and deformed, sometimes never closing quite the same, even after you’ve ridded yourself of those oil laden interlopers. Here’s the kicker though–it’s best you don’t try this at home, kiddies. I know, because I’ve tried, and most times my handwork has led to scarring, and a few weeks of hyperpigmentation.

Lee used a combination of suction (sort of like a miniature vacuum cleaner) and a small needle to gently and carefully open the smaller pores on my chin and forehead.

The blackhead-er-ator

The special needle and the vacuum suction thing-y

I have to give this lady credit, because with all that, I didn’t really feel much pain. She’s a pro. Sidenote: Don’t get a facial with heavy extractions anywhere NEAR your period, lest you be in a world of hurt. Not sure why, but the hormones affect pain receptors, and not in a good way.

Here’s how I looked after it was all over:

Lee informed me that I’ll have to come back a few more times to get it all, so I’ll probably start adding bimonthly facials to my preventative skin care regimen. A few tips she left me with that I want to pass on to the ladies with oily skin

–Don’t use heavy night cream. You don’t need it. Opt for a light moisturizer instead.

–When you do moisturize, leave your nose out of it.

–Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen, chicas. It’s the fountain of youth. If your skin is oily, opt for lighter formulations.