I’m almost hesitant to bring this topic up because of the issues many of us seem to have surrounding it, but to my mind, we will never become fully empowered, self-actualized human beings until we embrace and most importantly, own our sexuality. I write romances and most of them are in the erotica category. Since all my heroines are black women of various stripes most of my readers are black women. Sometimes I get blowback in regard to the sexuality of my characters. One comment was particularly disturbing. The reader said that she didn’t like erotica because there was too much talk about the woman’s private parts. Frankly, I’m not sure how one can write erotica without mentioning a woman’s genitalia. After all, that’s the first place sexual arousal shows up (if you’re lucky.) But the disturbing thing is, she didn’t mention the passages that talked about male sexual arousal and the response in his genitalia. Keep in mind, most of this was a character’s inner reflection so the thoughts in the man’s head were much more graphic and detailed. Why is male sexuality acceptable, whereas a woman’s is not?

Of course, we all know our history in all its sordid glory. It has long been convenient (and profitable) for men to label us as mindless bitches in heat. Many black women have bound themselves up sexually (and not in a good way) in an effort to belie these images. Free lesson ladies, men have found it convenient to label all women’s sexuality as deviant or even demonic, since, well, since forever. No matter what we do, there are always those who will feel this way. Given that sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life, I see no reason to miss out on it because of some close-minded bigots.

Over the many years I spent talking to black women and girls I discovered one thing: Many of us, especially the most sexually active are not having sex. Many of us are little more than a sex doll used for masculine pleasure. I’ve talked to too many women who tell me all about the tricks they can do to turn a man on, but when I asked about the tricks men do to turn them on, or even the tricks they do to turn themselves on I would receive little more than a blank stare. Here’s another free lesson for you: you don’t need tricks to help a man get off. Anyone who’s ever been around a boy child knows that almost from birth he is as one with his penis. Once they discover it gives them pleasure, they can’t keep their hands off it. Baby girls are much the same way, until they are shamed into relinquishing the ability to pleasure themselves. This is a tragedy. We wind up with women and girls who think of sex as something that is done to them, as opposed to a pleasurable activity they are full partners in.

Most of the women I know who are in their forties are having the best sex of their lives and I’ve been told that sex in your fifties is even better. It seems that as women age we tend to have fewer hang-ups and frankly stop caring so much about what other people think. I don’t think women should have to wait more than half their lives to embrace and enjoy their sexuality. It’s our God-given right and there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to have it now.

Fortunately for us, most men want to please us and respond enthusiastically to instructions (in and out of bed). First though, you have to learn to pleasure yourself. There’s a wide range of material available to women interested in exploring their sensuality. I know some women who enjoy pornography and it’s my understanding that there is some that is more “woman friendly,” but since so much of a woman’s arousal is in her head erotica seems to fit the bill a bit better for most women. (In the interest of full-disclosure, please be reminded that I write erotica.) Invest in some sensual undergarments. My mother, who was one of the most practical women I know, always wore pretty underwear, because “It reminded her that she was a woman.” I’ve noticed myself that there’s a little more umph in my stride when I have on something sexy under my clothes. All this is to help you focus on yourself as a sensual being. Remember, this isn’t a “trick” for tantalizing a man, enjoy the erotic feel of silk sliding against your skin for your own pleasure.

Find out where all your erogenous zones are. If you don’t already know, learn your own anatomy. Touch your hot spots, caress them, stroke them, love them. Let your mind wander into fantasies. Do you prefer a soak in the tub or the shower? There are all manner of stimulation to be found in either. The bottom line is to find out how to pleasure yourself. Then when you’re ready you can introduce this greater knowledge to your partner for the two of you to explore together. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings or his ego. Men aren’t born knowing how to pleasure women, and remember, most of them have been pleasuring themselves from birth. You’re going to have to teach him how to please you. You’ll notice the difference right away, and so will your partner. Just remember to thank me when

—————————

Christelyn here: Whew lawd! Off to find the hubby. On second thought, meh…the vibrator’s quicker.

If you, like me, now CAN NOT get enough of Roslyn, you MUST visit her at her site: roslynhardyholcomb.com

Single ladies, you might want to stock up on these titles to tide you over until Prince Rainbow comes:

Let's Do It Again

…There’s a slew of other books that…urhm….stimulate heavy breathing on her site. Go buy some books and read. What you do after that, well…I don’t need to hear about it. I ALREADY have four kids. I don’t need your re-discovered libido rubbing off on me.