her with your Whiteness

by

Savage Tango

So, another Halloween has come and gone and I’m hoping it went well for you guys.  Did ya manage to lay the foundation for your New Year’s Swirl?  Cuz that’s our goal here, ya know.  Gotta be a man with a plan and the plan is to be Swirlin for New Year’s Eve.  I’m thinkin ya did indeed manage to meet a Lovely Lady at a Halloween party to Swirl with and now you’re gonna take it from there.  Now see, here’s the cool thing.  Ya know how they say “You never get the second chance to make a first impression.”

Well, I’m gonna bet that they never met anyone at a Halloween party and then scheduled a date later.  And you did!  And the thing about that is she knows you as that awesome Vanilla Viking, swashbuckling pirate captain, Roman centurion…

or Harry Potter wizard dude.  Hey, I don’t judge. Whatever turns The Lady on, ya know?

Anyway, the point I’m making is that you met her under the guise of your Halloween costume, exchanged info and set up a date with her.  Now for the fun part!  Who is she in real life? Will you recognize her when she comes through the door, walks toward you and joins you at the table you reserved for the evening? Will she recognize you? Will she see that Vanilla Viking who charmed her so a few nights earlier? Will you see Cat Woman lithely stalking you as she smiles, purring and preparing to pounce?

I just so happen to know a Vanilla Viking  who met Cat Woman at a Halloween party.   They met several nights later for dinner and had the chance to meet the REAL person for the first time.  Now trust me when I say this…that was interesting.  As far as The Vanilla Viking went, gone was the rugged beard, the metal beads dangling from the woven braids that swayed as he walked, the bare biceps she squeezed as they danced together.  He was just…a white guy.  A plain old regular everyday white guy with plain old regular everyday clothes sitting at a table, then standing and smiling at her as she entered.

As for her, gone was the shapely, figure flattering Cat Woman suit that made Halle Berry slink away in shame.  She was now a project manager dressed smartly, upwardly mobile and limitless in realizing her potential.

And they both got the chance to meet one another yet again and share sly grins all evening knowing they were experiencing a rare opportunity together.

But I digress…

It’s now Phase 2. Time to take the next step and show her how you roll. Now remember how we talked about “Wow Her With Your Whiteness” ?  How we’re not going to try to go all Vanilla Ice, Eminem and be all “down with it”?  Thor doesn’t do it.  Captain Jack Sparrow doesn’t do it and neither are we.  So, this is what we ARE going to do here…

Ok hold on minute. Now, before I begin let me get the technicalities outta the way here and specifically state that nothing falls exclusively under any specific race or ethnicity.  Well, except for maybe trailer parks.   And heavy metal concerts.   That’s pretty much white guy stuff. Aside from that, nothing falls exclusively under any specific race or ethnicity.  However, if ya ever find yourself playing Jeopardy and get the topic “Things White Guys Do” chances are the following activities are pretty good ways to take her out, show her a good time and wow her with your whiteness.

1:  Take some lessons together.

Hey, down here where I am in Texas, the Two Step is king!   Mosey on in to any numerous Country Western bars, dance halls  or saloons.  Yeah, they still have saloons here in The Lone Star State. I’m sure they have Country Western bars where you live too, well…maybe not saloons but I’m sure y’all can find a nice ol’ place to learn some two steppin, line dancin, and just a plain ol’ down home good ol’ time. Few things in this world are as awe inspiring as an Ebony Cowgirl. Now, If that’s just a bit out of your style, try tango lessons together. That’s a great thing to be able to know how to do and maybe one day you can use it as your username on a Swirlin website. Or so I’ve heard.

Let’s say ya wanna get outside away from the crowds and masses. I dare say tennis lessons are always great, or should y’all be feelin rather adventuresome and are in a warm climate…LIKE HOUSTON TEXAS…surfing and wakeboarding lessons can be the tandem activity of the day.  The thing is, find an activity that you can both do together, is challenging and also offers the added benefit of taking what you learned and applying it on your own together at another time down the road.  What’s the point in learning how to two step with her if y’all ain’t gonna do it again with her later? And if you’re lucky and she’s got a competitive streak, take it to the courts and see if ya got what it takes whilst she unleashes her inner Serena Williams on you.

Heh heh…good luck with that, Harry Potter.

2:  Firing Range  

One of life’s greatest pleasures is witnessing the transformation from Statuesque yet demure damsel to pistol packin’ princess of the apocalypse. Tis truly a sight to behold. Tis even better when you’re Swirlin.  So pick her up, head to a firing range, rent a pistol and buy enough ammo to make them dudes on The Walking Dead jealous.

Then watch.

There’s just something about the firepower in the hands of a hot chick that does us dudes in. Personally I can’t get enough of lieutenant Abbie Mills drawing that piece of hers on Sleepy Hollow. Kinda makes me wanna, well…never mind. We ain’t here talkin about me. We’re talkin about you and how you’re gonna take your SwirlyGirl to the firing range and shoot stuff up. Bonus points for busting out Dirty Harry quotes just before ya pull the trigger…

“Go ahead. Make my day.”

POW POW POW POW

“You’ve gotta ask yourself one question, “Do I feel lucky?” So do ya, punk?”

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM

3: Beach, Bonfire, Bottle of Wine

Ok, so if ya don’t live in Houston Texas and can drive right down the road to the Gulf Coast beach of your choice, you should move here so you can drive down the road to the Gulf Coast beach of your choice.  In November. Or December. Whatever works for ya. What I’m sayin here is load up with firewood, a shovel, a blanket, a comfy chair for her, a bottle of wine then pick her up and drive to the beach. Or the lake. Like I just said, maybe its cold where you live, so whatever works for ya. Set up her chair, pour her a glass of vino then commence to diggin a pit for the fire. Make sure ya look all manly while ya dig.  Chicks dig dudes who can dig.  Throw in the wood, light it up then join her for a drink while ya watch the sun set and talk about, well…that’s up to you.

Or don’t talk. That’s up to you as well 😉

4:  Canoe Picnic On The Lake

Many lake and resort/recreation areas offer canoe rentals.  Make no mistake, these things are a blast!  In fact, they are such a blast I went out and bought my own years ago and it has served me rather well.  Just something about tying the canoe on top of the Jeep and heading out to the lake.  It just makes ya feel all manly in a white guy kinda way. So yeah, I highly recommend you try it as well.  It’s well worth it to rent a canoe, let her sit back and giggle while ya try to figure it out then once ya get the hang of it, unleash your inner barge servant and paddle out into open water with your esteemed passenger kicked back relaxing Queen Nefertiti style.  Once you find a nice spot out on the lake, bust out the goodies! Lake picnics are great for leftover pizza, beer and Cheetos.

OK, just seein if you’re paying attention here.  You better not show up with beer and Cheetos!  Get a little classy and try some wine with various cheeses, crackers and cold cuts.  Don’t forget the wine kit and glasses.  Ya can’t go getting some cheap screw top vino and drink it straight outta the bottle pirate style.  Save that kind of drinking for #5.

5: Renaissance Festival.

Now this is my all-time personal favorite way to wow her with my whiteness.  Yeah, I know nothing is exclusive to any particular race or ethnicity blah blah blah…but aside from tractor pulls and rodeos, this one is indeed as close as you’re gonna get.  And nothing, NOTHING rocks the renaissance festival like a Swirlin couple all decked out in festive costumes. Come on man, ya met in costumes at a Halloween party, ya gotta do the festival like that as well! Suit her up in a wench bodice while you go and, well…be whatever.  Who knows.  Maybe she has a thing for Captain Jack Sparrow. Maybe she has a thing for Thor. Perhaps it’s a Gladiator all ready to lay waste in The Arena.  Give The Lady what she wants, dress up and wander around eating turkey legs and drinking mead whilst watching people with crappy English accents blow glass and juggle stuff.  Capture the mood and seize the day! The main thing is, relax, have fun, dress up and rock The Swirl.  Cuz make no mistake, Swirlers stand out at renaissance festivals.  Big time.  Enjoy that rare and privileged opportunity with her.

So there’s Phase 2 in your goal to be Swirlin for New Year’s Eve.  She’s interested, perhaps a little curious.  Now is the time for us white guys to step up and show her how we take care of business.

Admittedly, my list here is a little biased.  I have the awesome privilege of living in The Lone Star State and with our warmer southern climate we can do things in November and December that y’all up there in Chicago can’t do in September. Maybe be even August.

No worries, my northern brethren.  That didn’t stop the Vikings from being the most awesome dudes in the history of all mankind and it sure ain’t gonna stop you.  We adapt.  We are resourceful. Use your surroundings to your advantage and do your white guy thing and let her experience your doing it with her as well as for her.  So use your noggin to put you in a position to do this.  Show her things she likely wouldn’t see otherwise. Rock her SwirlyWorld with kickass white guy stuff that gets her out of the normal box she likely sees from the rest of the guys on a regular basis.

Cuz see, at the end of the day, any regular guy can sit there and watch a movie, listen to someone yappin at a comedy club or eat dinner in some restaurant.  But you aren’t any regular guy. You’re a Swirlin kind of guy and that sets you above and apart from the rest. The whole idea of this list is to give her a chance to experience YOU.  Give her a front row seat to see a man of action, a man of vision, a thoughtful, creative man of intriguing imagination.  Give her the chance to experience YOU in all your Swirlin man of glory doing things for her and showing her how things are gonna be when she rolls with a Swirlin dude such as yourself.

Heh heh…ok, now here’s some added motivation for ya. Look at it like this…step up and give her something to tell her friends about when they all ask her,

“How did it go with that white guy?”

Cuz rest assured they are gonna ask. Ain’t no gettin around that so don’t let The Lady down!  Tis a part of Swirlin you can definitely use to make your statement.  And the statement you wanna make is to stand proud, throw out a sly grin whilst raising your eyebrows and say,”

“Yeah, we did that.  And you ain’t seen nothin yet.”