Anytime you go against the grain, bumping against assumptions what you should do, what you should like, how you should talk, or how you should love can cause many to go along the path of least resistance.

“It’s nappy? Okay; I’ll get a relaxer.”

“Is is “axe” or “ask”? Okay I’ll say it that way around cousin Bon Qui Qui so she won’t think I’m bougie.”

“Don’t bring home a white boy or Uncle Leroy will break his legs? Okay.”

“No Coldplay? But he’s like, Jay Z’s best friend! Fine. I won’t listen to it.”

But what if your heart and mind won’t let you go that way? What if you want to do what you like and date who you like without cousin Bon Qui Qui or Uncle Leroy thinking you’re too good for your own?

It’s a shame that some of you reading this blog are secret swirlers, afraid to come out of the closet for fear of x,y, and z.

I spotted this quote from a lady on FYOOZ, the AfroRomance blog. She stated what she wanted her New Year’s relationship resolution to be:

I am resolved to be not just for the new year but moving forward. I am also resolved to move forward without fear. Some of my family is still in the dark about me dating interracial so I guess I am ready to “come out “! Before I wanted to wait until I knew I had found “the ONE”. Now I understand that I have to patient and it’ll come and in the mean time I can’t worry about the judgement of others.

What struck me as interesting is that this woman even felt the need to “come out” in the first place–like she’s got to sit down with Mama, Daddy, cousin Bon Qui Qui and Uncle Leroy and deliver the devastating news or something.

If any of you lurkers are peeing your pants at the thought of “coming out” to your friends and family keep a few things in mind:

–Assuming you are a grown woman/man, your friends and family do not have to pre-screen your dates. Unless they’re giving you date money, paying for your phone and picking you up from school in a minivan, your parents have absolutely no say in your dating preferences. If your parents threaten to never invite you and your boo over for Christmas ham, call their bluff. Nine times out of ten it’s a manipulation tactic and if you go for it just have your gonads and/or ovaries to Mommy and Daddy because they own them.

–Stop being so needy-to-please-y. At the end of the day, is it really that special for you to have Uncle Leroy walk you down the aisle in his 1970’s pimp-inspired tuxedo? Ummm…I’m guessing that’s a “no,” but if it’s a “yes,” then just get a jump on it and stay in bed for the rest of your life because you’re bound to be miserable.

–If you’re hesitating because you think you need to come up with your version of the I-love-my-black-men-I-promise-I-don’t-hate-myself speach with a dash of I-promise-I’ll-still-give-black-men-a-chance blubbering, girl stop. It’s not your responsibility to soothes anyone’s ego.

–If this is you, why haven’t you bought Swirling already?

*Editor’s note: apologies to anyone named Bon Qui Qui or Uncle Leroy.*