Well…duh! They could have just given me the hundreds of thousands of dollars it probably cost to fund the study and just asked me. Because I already knew that “marital satisfaction is higher for husbands when their wives are skinnier than they are,” and Social Psychological and Personality Science could focus on why reality television is breeding a legion of narcissists.

The study was composed of an all-white group, and since many of us are interracially married or at least interracially dating, it is an obvious nudge for black women interested in dating a rainbeau to know what’s up. Across the board, however, ALL men of ALL races prefer fit (not emaciated) women with an hourglass shape.

Boo! to the universe, because I do not have one of those. With every Krispy Kreme my waistline expands and I’d have a muffin top only Betty Crocker would envy. And looking like the Fruit of the Loom apple is not so good for my pancreas, and diabetes runs STRONG in my family–my mother has it, and my grandmother died of it, but not before she got one of her legs cut off. So I focus on keeping a sleek, athletic build, lean Michelle Obama arms, and an derriere you can bounce a nickel off of.

Because I’m married and it turns me on when my husband is turned on when I wear something frilly to bed without looking like this:

And because I like how he reacts to me, he likes how I react when he reacts to me. Get it? Everybody’s happy when I’m feeling sexy.

And so, I bend myself into a pretzel and do my NEKKID YOGA!, pilates and barre method torture, because it makes me look good and feel good, with only one downside: I can’t keep Maxi-Me out of my closet.

The following are my choice forms of weekly torture:

First time I did this I thought I would die.

I highly recommend half-killing yourself with the full video at least once a week. They have a work-out menu, and I do the barre workout–23 minutes of pure agony, but works like no other.

This is the other one I do:

My favorite is the ab and thigh workout, also available for cherry-picking.

And finally, in addition to NEKKID YOGA! I do the Jane Fonda’s Workout, “Daily Yoga with Tara Stiles” Check her out: