The Myth of the Good Guy

By: Anissa Ashley

*Spoiler Alert: He does not exist.

Ask most women what best describes their ideal mate and the first adjective is usually “good” as in a  “good” man. But, what does “good” mean?

In full disclosure, I am newly 25. I do not claim to know it all but from the experiences I have had, the people I have met and coupled with my love of psychology, I sincerely hope that what I have learned can help someone now or in the future. Everything is the truth except for the names.

Last year, a good friend of mine, Daisy, introduced me to her friend, Steve. Steve was working freelance in the Entertainment industry and Daisy believed I should meet him because we would hit it off, either professionally or personally, and needless to say, she believed Steve to be a really “good guy”. A year ago, Steve helped Daisy move into her apartment and during those two days, he was never inappropriate and remained a gentleman. They were friends for several years and it was always platonic.

One night in August, Daisy made a strong case for introducing me to Steve and ultimately inviting him to a  party she was hosting. So, I met Steve…and sparks did not fly; at least not on my end. However, he emailed me the next day under the pretense of working together. We kept in touch and ultimately set drinks.

A month later, we reunited and had a great time, until the second drink. Up until the fateful second drink, there had been much laughter and friendly bonding which somehow encourage Steve to feel comfortable enough to ask me back to his apartment. I politely gave him a chance to retract his invitation since we were discussing working together but Steve looked me in my eyes and boldly owned it.

I declined and decided the evening, there laughter had died and things were awkward. Steve offered to walk me home, which I also declined. In an effort to change my mind, Steve tried to assure me that I would be able to “fend him off” if he tried to make a move during the walk. I bolted. Needless to say, Steve, aka the “good guy” was a huge sleaze.

The next morning Steve texted an apology and applauded my ability to maintain my professionalism despite his antics. When I asked him why he behaved so poorly compared to the way he treated Daisy, Steve responded: I don’t find her attractive. Steve also blamed me for making him “act sleazy”  (a direct quote) and told me he wanted to make me his sex slave (another article for another post). I warned Daisy about Steve’s other side but since she has never seen it, it is difficult for her to understand. Daisy and I talk about a lot of things but never, ever Steve. Also, Steve and I are no longer in touch.

A year before that, I fell in love with Derek. It was passionate, intense, romantic and beautiful. For all intents and purposes, Derek treated me like a queen. He was a “good” guy. We got along great; we were best friends as well as partners. Then, I met his exes. Every single woman before me only had horror stories: “Derek cheated”, “Derek had a temper” “Derek this and that” and “Derek is a sociopath”. Yet my experience with Derek was terrific.

If Derek is in fact a sociopath, he definitely took a break during our time together because we connected in an honest, truthful and loving way.  After we split, I heard he went back to his old ways; but that was none of my concern because our part of the story was over.

The lesson is all of this is: people have different experiences with different people because we affect people differently. Additionally, people also have different opinions of what “good” really means. “Good” is not a blanket term or adjective with a universal meaning. Our definition of “good” changes and grows in accordance with our life experiences and perceptions of love and relationships.

For those of you looking for love, the next time someone introduces you to a “good” man, take it at face value and be prepared to come to your own conclusion…because you just might find yourself being introduced to another Steve.