Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
Written by Nicole
Now more than ever it is important to do what needs to be done to secure the very best life for yourself. The pandemic rages on, and the economy and jobs and everything else is quite helter-skelter. For some, facing the uncertainty of life with fur babies or plants or books is just what the doctor prescribed. Contrary to popular belief, a woman does not need a husband or children to “feel complete”. However, for many (if not most) women, a life partner, in the form of a husband, is desired. And that’s okay too!
Sadly, black women are indoctrinated from a young age to believe that a piece of a man is better than no man at all.
Why else do you see struggle hypotheticals so prominently displayed on black love centric relationship pages? And why else do you see the encouragement of ridiculous pairings, of say, a female neurosurgeon to a male shoe salesman, as if this is something aspirational? And most commonly, why else do you think that the Gospel of Splitting Bills and 50/50 is being pushed so heavily for black women? Because not only do black women believe that they are incomplete without a man, but there is a double header of unbreakable race loyalty to black males, and black men know this, so can rest their head, knowing that all he needs to bring to the table to be considered eligible was a penis full of melanin.
Chances are, if you are a woman of a certain standing, say, that badass boardroom babe, there will be little to no black men on your level. Struggle Love Peddlers will have you digging through the trenches to find a man, especially if you are committed to Black Love. But no matter if you are the most die-hard proponent of black love, or a swirler extraordinaire, there’s one firm rule that should apply for ALL black women across the board. And this one piece of advice pertains to ALL races of men. Are you ready?
A bum can take any definition that suits your purpose. Unemployed or underemployed. Perpetual couch-surfer. Shiftless with no ambitions. Routinely refers to women as “females”. Basically, a loser, regardless of his race. Dealing with bums come with absolutely NO benefits. Here are just five ways entertaining losers can cost you.
Have you ever seen a well-to-do black woman making moves with her life, and then you meet her partner and you are thoroughly underwhelmed? Being unequally yoked could mean that you might face social rejections (denied access to upper echelon society) or even financial ones (such as with mortgage lenders). Having some uncouth manchild in your presence may cause your peers to think poorly of you, regardless of how great your performance might be everywhere else.
Black women should go into carpentry, with the way that we tell and get told to “build a man”. Many memes have floated around social media about this very phenomenon. You spend your best years building a man, only for the fully-furnished version to pack his bags and leave you for someone he does not associate with that struggle. Alternately, you can build and build and build, and get no return on your investment. You’d have better chance sweeping the beach. Everyone has the “potential” to be great, but it is not on you to single-handedly foster it into fruition.
Society at large thinks of black women as the lowest class, deserving of only scraps. With this messaging being downright pervasive, you might feel this to be true. BUT IT IS NOT TRUE. You don’t have to marry a felon or endure public embarrassing cheating scandals with narcotics and gay escorts just to say you have a man. Like the title says, if the cost of that relationship is your peace of mind, let alone your disease-free status or your edges, it is too expensive and you should enjoy your own company instead.
If you are reckless with your womb and you happen to fall pregnant with a bum’s baby, let me tell you right now, you will not get your happy ending. That is a guarantee. First of all, on a genetic level, bum DNA is not deserving of immortality. Second of all, if he is a bum with regards to his own life, be it through doing the bare minimum effort for any and everything, including you and your relationship, that low effort is highly likely to continue, even with a baby in the mix.
Do you really think a bum with no prospects and even less concern for you really cares about you? They most certainly do not. That’s why they have no problem running you ragged, cheating on you, and finding fresh new ways to disrespect you. Being partnered with a man who has nothing to lose can be downright lethal for black women. A bum who sees you as his meal ticket will have no problems resorting to violence to keep you in your place.
Even murder is not out of the question, either – the “if I can’t have you, no one can” trope is all too common, and black women being the number one demographic to die in a domestic violence related homicide is evidence of that. A man who actually has things going for himself is less likely to throw it all away with a violent outburst. Less likely, not unlikely. Keep your wits about you no matter how in love you are.
There are no positives to dealing with bums. If you are a black woman, then it is imperative that your vetting and mate-screening methods are air tight. Always remember that it is better to be single and happy, than miserable in a relationship. Don’t let loneliness or boredom or even jibes from friends or family sway you into settling for less.
What are some other consequences of dealing with bums? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
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