Part “Too” or Part “Won”
The phone barely rang before she answered “Tracy?!”

“Um, yeah. Its Tracy. Sorry I hung up. I’m at work and needed to take a walk and get some air. Are you Kristen?”

She’s not Kristen, she’s someone else, but I don’t hear her name because my head is spinning and I feel like I am floating.

I ask again “I have a brother and he’s been looking for me?”

She says, “Yes, your brother and his wife have been looking for you for soo long! We just located a man the other day who we think is your father. He’s such a nice man. So kindhearted and you can just tell he’s just a peach. We think he’s your dad. I hope so because he’s so nice! OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING!!”.

Her word trail off in a squeal.

I am listening.

Just listening.

I don’t want to interrupt my first time hearing details about ‘who I am’.

I don’t know ‘who I am’.

I have never known ‘Who is Dad?

Who is Tracy?

The woman finally stops talking. She doesn’t want to keep me any longer. My family is waiting for me.

She gives me a number because my sister in law is waiting for my call. She says they are very excited.

My brother Spencer is very excited.

I thank her.

We hang up.

I run and tell my bosses whats going on. I am talking fast but they get the gist of what I am saying. I tell them I need to take a walk.

They look at me perplexed but say “OK!”.

I grab my coat and cigarettes and cell phone.

I rush up the stairs upstairs and then through two security doors to the elevator.

Wait for the elevator.

Too much fucking security!

I am clutching my cell phone in one hand and a pen in the other.

I was about to turn my phone off two weeks ago because I have no friends and no one calls me.

Waste of money.

Money is tight right now.

I bolt out onto 6th Avenue.

I look for a quiet spot to call but no place is quiet in mid-day Manhattan.

I am crying again.

The wind is burning my wet face.

I can only see shapes through the tears.

I pull the crumpled, wet Post-It out of my pocket and I dial the number.

A woman answers. “Um..Hi. Can I please speak to Stephanie? The lady said to call this number. This is Tracy.”

A pause….

“YES! OH, MY GOD! This is Stephanie. Oh my God!’

Stephanie is talking fast and it sounds like she is crying.

I am confused.

Strange behavior.

I ask a few questions because all I hear is happy excitement through the phone. I am not used to people who don’t know me being excited about me.

She says that Spencer is her husband.

She says Spencer loves me so much.

He’s been looking for me for my entire life.

She can’t believe they found me!

I think ‘Oh, she’s a white lady’.

Her accent is proper and different.

I ask where they are from.

They live in California.

I think to myself, ‘I thought I was from NY?’

I give her my cell phone number and my email address.

She asks can she give it out to other family members.

They are all very excited.

‘Other family members?’ I say….”Sure”…hesitantly.

Other family members….

I ask if Spencer is there but she says he’s at work.

She says she had to talk to me first because he’s very excited.

She gives me his number and tells me to call him right now.

She will be emailing me pictures as soon as we hang up.

I tell her thank you and goodbye.

She tells me, ‘I love you’.

I say “Thank You” because I am not sure what to say back to her. I think she must be a very nice person, maybe religious… since religious people are the only ones I know who tell perfect strangers that they love them.

I light another cigarette and inhale.

I am cold right now.

I am still crying.

I am dizzy again.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I flick my cigarette.

Flip open my phone and dial Spencer’s number.

(to be continued….)