Here is the thing, forget media sensationalization and the hype. You are in the game when it comes to love. There is a lot of data out there about love, marriage and black women. A few years ago there was this data from OkCupid about black women not being approached on dating sites. There are black women out here meeting and marrying men who worship the ground they walk on all over the place. I’m not saying that sometimes race doesn’t come into play where dating and mating are concerned. Clearly it does, so I won’t blow smoke up your rear. What I’m saying is that there are men who want to date you. You have more choices than you think.  It’s also important to remember that your attitude (no not the angry black woman one, the one that affects the way you feel) is everything. You need to BELIEVE that you will meet the person that is meant for you. You have to be open to receiving love, but the most important thing is you must not overly focus on it. 

Don’t Sour The Rest of Your Life

When you hyperfocus on anything it can feel like it’s not happening fast enough. You begin to believe that you can control it and make it happen. I believe you can will things to happen. You can manifest them, but hyper-focusing on when your King will arrive can do my harm than good. It becomes such a big part of your life that you forget to smell the other roses that come along the way. That great night out you could be having with your friends has soured because you didn’t meet Mr.Right tonight. No prospects = The night was a bust, when in reality that’s not the case. Maybe the fact that you weren’t enjoying the night is the reason you weren’t approached. Brooding about what man has approached you versus everyone else in the place. There are physical aspects that can play a part in whether someone approaches you. The reality is though, what qualifies as attractive is different for everyone. 

Black Women, You’re Attractive

It would be easy to adjust ourselves to the default and magically you’re with someone, but it doesn’t work that way. I had a friend in college that thought Mos Def was the most attractive man she ever saw. He isn’t over 6’0 and he isn’t muscular. He isn’t what anyone would consider conventionally attractive. If you told her he wasn’t fine, she would smite you. She wouldn’t wait for God to do it. The point is you should enjoy each aspect of your life for what it is. Don’t let the fact that a man isn’t next to you along the way ruin the other beautiful parts of your life. A man is a nice addition to what you have going on, not everything. Chances are if you have a night out and a man approaches you it is more than likely because you were enjoying yourself. People like happy people. They like when they look as if they can have a good time by themselves. It’s attractive. I like this quote from Paul Hudson who wrote an article for elite, “When you see a person that is smiling, laughing and having a good time then you are more likely to approach them versus any other equally attractive person at the venue.”. 

 Haste Makes Waste

Haste makes waste, and Mr. Wrong is praying for exactly that. You end up with the wrong men when you’re frantically searching for the right one. There are people out there who prey on the weak. They are narcissists and sociopaths who will shape themselves into whoever you want them to be, “Everything comes with a price deary”. They are only shaping themselves to get something out of you, no matter what “that something” maybe. Sure, be open to who could come into your life and make it better but use discernment while doing it. This calls for you to not micro-manage every one who will come to you but keep your eyes open to red flags. It’s easiest to do this when you aren’t forcing a circle into a square hole. You’re so busy trying to fill the space that you can’t see the obvious. They don’t fit! Your friends are trying to tell you something is off, but you’re not listening. When you are stopping to smell the roses and when you are not overly focused on getting a man, you can discern better. You see the delicate balance and peace you have achieved in your life, and you are not so eager that you get the wrong person. It can mess up all that important work you have done to yourself to get to where you are. Who wants to start at square one at repairing themselves when they have come so far? Being mindful of who we bring around the existing people we love is also important. They deserve a person who will be good to you as well. 

Black Women: You Are In The Game

You are in the game when it comes to love. You’re deserving of love and you will have it if you believe you will. You are anything and everything you think you are. Your mind is powerful and no one can count you out of something you refuse to be absent from. There are many men out there who want you and who want to cherish you. The obstacle comes in the process. How are you going about it? What are you doing to attract love? Are you trying to fit a circle in a square? Focusing on ourselves and our own journey to find love is important. Focusing on who wants to love us is important. It is counterproductive to focus on the people who are counting us out. Who cares if there is a black man who won’t do you right. There is one somewhere that will. Who cares if data say there are some men of other races who won’t approach you. That same data says that there are still men who will. Somewhere in the world, there is a man who is and can’t wait to be everything for you that the other men who broke your heart couldn’t be. You are apart of this game called love, and the only person who can count you out is you.