This is a blog that frequently discusses love and relationships. The”Swirling” book that is on the side of the page advertises a desire to seek love and relationships. This seems to suggest that discussing these things should be the norm on a site like this. However, there was a sentiment raised  that suggests we are molding desperate black women through the discussions here.

We live in a world where black women are praised for practically superhuman levels of capabilities in working multiple jobs, pursuing various degrees, and bringing home the bacon. Except when it comes to being assertive in seeking relationships. Then, black women are expected to drop the ball and assume the position. 

What position?

“I want a black man, only a black man, and any old black man will do.”

There is a vocal enough group of women saying this that you would think that black men would find them, they would find black men, and that would be the end of it.

It should be. So why is it that when a group of black women say, “I want a good man, I am not interested in limiting myself to black men, and only men of a  CERTAIN level need apply” that people freak out?

The D-Word As A Red Herring

Once upon a time when all anyone cared about when it came to IRR was black men dating non-black women, black women were accused of being “bitter”. We were bitter and angry women that no sensible black man could deal with or contain. And that’s why they needed to go find themselves a good, feminine, knows-her-place non-black woman. Of course, some black women were never checking for black men, but a wide brush is a wide brush. And of course, not all black men married interracially for this reason.

But notice people never did come to the defense of black womanhood as it was labeled bitter, perennially angry, emasculating, and the sort of woman that NO MAN WANTS. Jealous bitter black women hating on BM/non-BW relationships was the perceived truth to the point of parody.

Black women either became angry at the accusation or did everything in their power to not be “the angry black woman”. They never spoke out against black men even when the men in question were wrong. Even now are champions for black men dating interracially even as black men and women give them the third degree when they so much as look “at a white boy”.

Today in BW-centric parts of the web, we’re starting to see less of the B-word and more of the D-word: Desperate.

Black men fleeing the evil black harpies were never pegged as “desperate” by anyone in the black community. Who would DARE to slander black manhood?! But some people with entitlement issues are always looking to try and put black women in a box.

“You shouldn’t talk so much about what kind of non-black man you want. It will make you look desperate.” This is a red herring simply because there is no way for black women to phrase wanting anything but a black man that’s ever going to sit right with concern trolls. 

Real Desperation Versus Shaming Tactics

So red herring aside, what does desperation actually look like?

 “I will take any kind of man, I don’t care. I just don’t want to be alone.”

A desperate woman is of course fixated on being validated through her relationship status.  She will be silent in the face of abuse and take any and all kinds of disrespect. Whatever it takes to avoid the man in her life leaving. Funny, that’s often the sort of desperation that causes black women to be with the sort of black men who pump and dump them and their offspring. So are we really going to play the “stay with in your race means you aren’t desperate” game? Are we going to pretend that telling black women to “stick to their own kind” will automatically lead to ideal relationships?

We’ve talked about the whole “I’m gonna get me a white man” meme. Some women use that phrase out of desperation. Others out of a less than acceptable form of standard English. It makes black women cringe for different reasons. But that is a separate concern. It should be understood that the idea of a black woman overtly declaring her options open is falsely attacked as desperation. With so few African American men available for the women who want to be with one, simply being open-minded about relationship options is logical. For the black women who never wanted to be with a black man,  it was never an issue.

Don’t be confused: When people talk about sites like this and the discussions, “making black women look desperate”, often it’s really about silencing black women. Certain titles can scream desperation. But they can also scream sensationalism. Since the sensationalist tactic is often good for generating buzz and money, not everyone takes the high road with less inflammatory wording.

Remember: sensationalism in writing isn’t desperation particularly where the author is not looking for a man.

Only You Can Make Yourself Desperate

Black women, please stop worrying about concern trolls or concern trolling other black women. Candid discussions on subjects of interracial dating do not make black women look desperate. It makes us look “interested”. The more black women gather in spaces and talk openly about their dating interests and how not-exclusively interested they are in black men, the more non-black men will be aware of this. That might not please everyone, but really who cares? It will please the relevant parties who will eventually find each other and that’s what matters most.

I’m sure some of you will roll your eyes and say, “Well that’s not relevant to me because no one is interested in me.”

Well, think about it like this: How many of you are there? One. That means that even if 99% of the male population said they didn’t want you, that would leave too many men to actually date at one time. Well you could try, but you would probably drop dead from exhaustion. The odds will always be in your favor.

Discussions on an interracial relationship website geared at black women will never make black women look “desperate”. Desperation is silence because of fear that you will make yourself look unattractive. Desperation is feeling the need to do or say whatever it takes to get someone to validate you.

Telling black women to be honest about who and what they want isn’t molding desperate black women; it’s asking that black women be honest with themselves. Honest discussions that aren’t shouted down by hateful trolls are not a hallmark of desperation; they are a representation of freedom from the status quo.