WHO THE FUCK DID I THINK I AM?

Who the hell was I

to think I’m talented

enough and how dare I believe all that

complimentary stuff!

How silly of me to show up earnestly accepting of extended hands and smiles!

It’s all just a ‘stage’ to them; a personality in a file.

A phone number;

a introduction

and fallacious mumble.

Namaste; I remain ever so humble

lest I become nervous and my words begin to jumble.

But…..

Who the hell am I to think I’ll ever be a loved one?

or ever give birth to a son…

Or am worthy of having a shitty relationship with a

boring man who is only with me because I am the best

he can bag

As he tells his friends how much

I nag

and

as age creeps and breasts begin

to sag

He wandering eyes on she

I am used and old and now he no longer wants me.

 Who the fuck do I think I am?

Applying lipstick didn’t make me Viva La Glam

Tell me how I can learn to understand

When I haven’t been wanted by parent nor man

A wack incidental slip through life’s wide ass crack

I would change the past if I could take it all back.

I would relax and ask questions

Ask for suggestions.

I would have been more involved in those conversations.

Maybe I would pick a better situation.

or a nicer foster home.

Maybe I would pick a family or lover who would never condone

leaving me alone

and putting me out on the streets to Rome

and be forced to moan

as a love Jones

sucking on bones

but I don’t like dark meat

a tender treat

that refuses defeat

hopping in and out of the passenger seat

while I sit

on a trip

to find a grip

to buy clothes and shoes for my baby girls feet.

Who the fuck did I think I am?

I want to be a woman but I am unable

or not fit

or worthy enough to stand

on a pedestal and look down like the rest of y’all

that have the gall

I HATE YOU BITCHES!!

With your choices

and options

and

“never in your life’s”

Demeaning

and

Seething

while

Ignoring the next woman’s strife.

If pussy has value then how many men bid

on her worthiness

wait in line to use her

yet judge her for what she did?

AND

If pussy has measure

then how many women stand and

demand retribution for

circumstances requiring her to sell her treasure?

Who the fuck am I?

A fallen child of ‘GOD’

whose grace his rod could not reach.

I listened to the reverend as he stood before me and preached

It was hard to pay attention to the lesson

they insist this shit is a blessing

BUTT

He wasn’t talking about God.

No way.

No how.

I had my hands full when he told me God wanted me to

get on my knees in front of him

and bow.

Who the Fuck am I supposed to be?

I am a woman!

A whore!

A slut!

the one pulled into the high school bathroom

butter knife in my ribs stuck

I AM

Pulled and restrained in the boy crushes bathroom

and

virginity

fucked!

I AM

Pulled behind the abandoned building on Bergen Ave

AND

butt fucked

as I spaced out to escape it all

by staring at an abandoned Mr. Softee

ice cream truck.

Who the fuck did I think I was?

No dam body

as I peer in my mother’s face

trickles of red blood hitting the floor in splatters

she knew he beat me

but he paid her so it didn’t matter.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

A liar?

A thief?

A self imposed star?

Head held high in false superiority!

You strain your neck looking down

on folks ‘not like you’

to sooth your own inferiority.

Who the fuck am I?

Not a child of God

nor a man’s wife

not a rich white person

MERELY

a woman with brown skin.

Cursing

SO WHO DA FUCK AM I?

I am human

I am you, man

and it breaks the heart I clutch

I am what I am

but that’s not good enough.

Who the Fu*k Did I Think I am is a poem from Me Being Anonymous: A Book of Cursed Poem and Verse sold on Amazon. I’m giving away two free copies of my book to BBW readers. Email [email protected] with the subject “Gimme a Book TJ” and tell me why you think its important that women support all women.

Because I dam sure do….*peace fingers*