We get a lot of criticism about our use of the term, “DBR,” a psychology/psychiatric term that was popularized by blogger, Evia Moore. It’s often used in reference to individuals who are so far gone in self destructive behaviors, or behaviors that are destructive to others that no amount of love, patience, nurturing, praying, and wishing on stars and rainbows will change them. Because many of us are raised in the church, we’re taught that no one is beyond redemption, and forgiveness is the cornerstone. You know what I say? Forgive if you want, but that doesn’t mean you open your life to them, nor does your forgiveness entitle them to your body, time, heart or resources.

It’s been my experience working in this space that I’ve met people who truly are damaged, and there’s no amount of fairy wishes that will change that.

In reality, there are segments of the black community that are simply too far gone. Decades of coddling, excuse making and finger pointing have been allowed to go unchecked and uncorrected in any meaningful way. Likewise, there are individuals in that community–male and female–who have been bathed in some much chaos, hatred, and exposed to the basest of human behaviors that they simply can not be fixed by mere mortals. Let God handle them; but YOU need to MOVE ON.

I like the message that Deion Sanders gives to women at the end of this video, but he stops short (of course) of encouraging black women to entertain relationship options from all races of men. It’s one thing not to lower your standards for DBR’s, but it’s a whole other thing to imply that these women should wait around collecting dust until the right black man comes along. And to be honest, and I think Deion is a nice guy, but look at the type of women this man–handsome, successful, rich–is attracted to. Both women are gorgeous, but let’s no pretend that the majority of black women look like this. It seems more and more, black men are the only ones allowed to be dark and nappy headed.

Does that make Deion a bad guy, because he’s bought into the notion that light skinned or white is superior to the majority of what black women DON’T look like? Nope. He has developed that preference based on colorist conditioning that is also a “DBR” reality of Black America. You’ll never convince men in that position otherwise.

So ladies, heed Deion’s advice, but don’t put yourself up on a shelf. Open your options and find men who appreciate how uniquely beautiful YOU are, and stop begging to be loved by DBR’s.