It’s no secret that we have THE MOST vibrant, supportive and intelligent black women here on BB&W, so it’s no surprise that many of the young women trying to find their way come here seeking advice. This is one of them, but be sure to check out the other one.

Take a read about this poor child’s family:

Hello,

A little about myself. I am a young woman that is just at the very beginning of my adult life and I have realized so many things about myself. So many people think that I am “stuck up” just because I do not have a boyfriend or enjoy partying all of the time. I do have values when it comes to romantic relationships based off of what I have seen from my family over the years. The number one thing that I cannot  and will not do is have a child outside of marriage.

My oldest brother has five children by three different women. His oldest two sons by one woman, his other son and daughter by ANOTHER woman, and the last child he has had this year. He lives with the youngest child’s mother. They are not married. He has absolutely NOTHING to do with his other four children.  He thinks just because he pays child support that is all he has to do. The only thing he has is just a raggedy ass car ( excuse my language) and a few clothes.  When the other four children need something or do something wrong the women call my mother. My mother tells my dad and that is an argument between them. The only people that have anything to do with the other four children is my mom, myself, and my second oldest brother ( he has no children and a good job. )  My dad will not go and see any of them because he thinks that he will be accused of sleeping with the women.

My oldest brother is such a liar. In January of last year he was staying in our parent’s home and one morning I just could not take it anymore. I told him off.  He said so many mean things to me such as ” You only want to sleep with white boys” and ” You ain’t going to school.” Do you want to know what happened next? My dad gets home that evening I tell him what happened. Did he call him that night and say anything. No. That weekend I said I felt like no one had my back. What did he say. ” Don’t ya’ll start to talking about no body have your back” He meant ya’ll as in me and my mom. My mom made us apologize to each other. I apologized for calling him a bitch, but not for telling the truth. I could tell you plenty more things such as the abuse I have seen and heard over the years from my dad to my mom. That would take too long.

Don’t get me wrong things aren’t all the way bad. There are good times between us all and then there are times when it’s just pure hell. I no longer call my dad “dad” any longer . I call him by his first name. I try to tell my mom things but  how can you undo damage that has been going on for generations? Abuse verbally and physically, children outside of wedlock, mental health issues.

Even with all this said, I refuse to be like  the women in my family. Even my own mother in some ways and I have told her this. I feel a bit selfish sometimes. I also have times when I feel jaded and just want to be single forever. Inside I know that one day I long to  have a loving husband and a family of my own without the dysfunction that I have seen and heard ( that I am hearing at this very moment of typing this.) Thank you for all of the advice you give. I have learned so much from you along with Judge Toler.