Written by Penelope Farthing
Now we are up to our third edition of swirling scare tactics that black women might hear when they test out interracial dating. Have you heard any of the tactics from the previous two lists (here and here) in your own dating lives? Be sure to drop your experience in the comments below. Let’s dive in.
Racism is definitely a big concern when it comes to dating out. The racism could rear its head boldly, and manifest in ways such as the use of racial slurs, or be more subtle. Even if he’s not racist, his family could be, and dealing with racist family members is just not worth it. If you partner interracially, you need to be very discerning about not just your partner, but his family as well. You don’t just marry the man, you marry the family, and racism of any kind should be an automatic deal breaker. Additionally, not all nonblack men are racist, just like not all black men are colorist. Vet appropriately and if you pick up on any red flags that are concerning for racist behavior, don’t ignore them, and get out before the relationship progresses further.
Slavery was a cruel myriad of horrors forced upon black people for centuries, and the consequences persist still today. I am not denying that. But to exclude hundreds of millions of men based on the actions of his possible ancestors drastically limits options in the dating world. If everyone was to limit their options based on what their predecessors did 29 generations ago, nobody would get with anybody and humanity would come to an end. I wouldn’t exclude someone who is a great fit for me because of the terrible actions of his possible remote ancestry.
This is a reason that makes me cackle. I have witnessed first hand black women say out loud that they won’t date out because they don’t want to explain their hair. This sounds crazy to me on several levels: what kind of rocket science hair routines do you have that requires an explanation? “I use a satin pillowcase and spray my hair all the time because it’s prone to getting dry and breaking off”. Is that so hard?
Needing “understanding” of your hair sounds like a whole PhD dissertation is required about the science and magic of black hair when one or two sentences will do the trick. If you wear weaves or wigs, that can easily be “explained” too, a simple “I wear extensions because I want to, or to protect my hair underneath” should suffice. It is mind boggling that hair would be the reason a black woman would turn down an otherwise great suitor.
Consider the opposite. Black men have similar texture hair to us, and more than likely grew up in a household with black female family members who had some form natural/relaxed/weaved/wigged style. And yet, these same men, with hair mirroring our own, with call black women nappy-headed or hair hatted and deem us ugly based on the texture or style of hair. It seems to me black men need a lot of hair explanation too, no? Chris Brown said he was giving away lace fronts for women with skid row edges, and negative references to black women’s hair abound in the music of black male entertainers. Looks like they need explanation too, eh?
I’m all for rejecting men for whatever reason you feel like but on the basis of hair, when your own men aren’t all that keen on it, seems rather insane to me. If a nonblack man rejects you based on hair, he’s 1) not worth your time, and 2) an idiot, because I’m hard pressed to believe anything is more glorious that a well moisturized afro (or puffs).
Are there any scare tactics I’ve left out? Do share in the comments below!