I will be the first to admit I spend WAY too much time on Facebook. Judge me if you like, but I “LIKE” it. And plus, that’s how I get you all so much fresh meat for the “Hottie of the Week” feature.

But in my tireless quest to find quality (and alright not-so-quality but eye-candy nonetheless) men, I run across a few toads that like to flaunt their warts all bare-chested in front of the bathroom mirror. The old guys never, ever get a pass on this. But…

A couple days ago a 19-year-old Euro boy friended me and gave me one of the most pathetic come-ons I’d ever read, followed by a picture attachment.

O_o

Poor little puppy. He actually thinks that picture with him in those Speedos is going to make me want to go fetch my vibrator.

Big ole capitial M, capital E, capital H.

But instead of shutting him down like I usually do, I let my finger hover over the “unfriend/block button” for a moment longer than usual.

I know not what compelled me to pull up my e-chair and give him a talk and say, “You know, you are an extremely tall and handsome BOY, but you score no cool points sending me pics of your rump. It does absolutely nothing for me, not because I’m a homosexual, but because I am categorically NOT a man, so seeing you half NEKKID just makes me O_o.”

Blank, blinking cursor for a moment. Then I continue: “Look Cute-Tall-Cantelope-Bottom Boy, visuals like this only work for men. Even if I were single, I’m not interested in your arse!…yet.

I’m interested in what’s between your ears. Now, if THAT piece of gray matter is appealing, then maybe, with MY PERMISSION, you can send that picture with those two melons in your shorts.”

Seduce a woman’s mind, then so goes the body, little grasshopper.

I’ll bet you’re wondering why I would take such time, and…honestly, I have no idea.

Yes I do.

He was like, 6’3 and absolutely beautiful. Clearly he wasn’t some desperate middle-aged man who’s playing the numbers. He speaks four languages. He’s a potential “Hottie” who’s a quick study, never had a girlfriend, and LURVES black girls, even though he lives in a country with exactly ZERO percent black girls.

And did I mention he’s 6’3?

Curious enough Mr. Cantelope-Buns-Future-Hottie he was very receptive. I could look at this situation clinically, because I’m old enough to have breastfed and burped this kid, so I’m absolutely crystal clear about what he needs to do in the future to get the girl, who NO DOUBT is coming.

Make love to her mind. Focus only on her, if only just in the moment, make her feel like she’s the only woman in the world. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and goals, and then REMEMBER them. Remind her later that you remembered. She’ll notice, and you won’t have to send the nude-y pics.

Perception Swap

On the other hand, I can understand how a boy with a lack of experience might think pictures like that might turn a girl on (and it might, to some, but not I and probably most) because he’s thinking within his own prism of sexuality: Boys and men are visual, ergo, boy assumes girl is too.

Oh. And YAY ME for still “having it” at 38. WHOO!

Don’t worry, once he’s worthy and ready, I’ll throw him over to the young ladies here.

You’re welcome. It’s a hard job but…