This has been a crazy week on Digital Planet Negresse replete with ideological kung-fu fighting: pseudo-science proved evolution hit black women with the ugly stick, Cornel West went upside Obama’s head with the “house negro” stick, and the GOP attacked Common’s White House visit with the usual two burning sticks shaped like a cross. Add in the sad, but not shocking, rash of Remy hair heists leading thrifty sisters to wonder if that flat silky weave they bought out of a trunk on East 137^th from J-Rock is fueling black on black crime. Everywhere you click it’s foolishness and people carrying on like they just don’t know any better. The sheer volume of madness tempts one to log off from the messenger. As if. So, instead, munch on these fantasy headlines the likes of which one can only dream of discovering on a digital feed. Cue dream sequence harps.

Top Stories

Science: Leading African-American Female Scientist Identifies and Isolates Racism in Fox Newsroom

Stunned by Dr. Judith Blaskiston’s professional qualifications and her ability to speak so eloquently in her first language, host Bill O’Reilly launched into a violent seizure. Blackiston sprang into action and extracted an unknown sticky acidic cream-colored mass that was obstructing the conservative mouthpiece’s airway. The offending mass was sent to Blackiston’s lab where she determined it to be a germ-like substance composed of pure unadulterated racism. O’Reilly was unable to be reached for comments as he was attending a reparations rally in rural Mississippi where cell phone service is spotty at best.

Entertainment: Tyler Perry Enrolls in Screenwriting Workshop

Upon completion of a basic “how to write a movie” course the prolific and often controversial scribe is slated to use stereotypical Italian-American guido-style antics to replace the coonery and buffoonery normally featured in his half hour network sitcoms and feature length films. The move is sure to make waves in both the African-American and the Italian-American communities as both groups struggle for better representation in popular media, characters with more than one dimension, and fewer line that are just plain exposition.

World Events: South Finally Forced to Admit it Won’t Rise Again

A pall has fallen over the sesquicentennial celebration of the War Between the States as Southern Pride activists are forced to accept that the chances of the south rising again are little to none. Experts agree that the window of opportunity was shut by the civil rights movement and the backlash against Jim Crow. For now activities agitating for a second rise will have to be content with offending people with their flag until either that gets old or they finally realize that the rest of the world has moved on.

In Brief

Media: Media Eschews the Word Minority, Gets Specific about Whom they Denigrate

Health: Fewer African American Prone to Suffer from a Horrible Disease than Caucasian Counterparts Regardless of Income

Tech: iPhone app allows African Americans of Different Socio-Economic Background to Communicate Effectively

Fashion: Fashion Industry Heads Finally Concede that Fashion Actually Doesn’t Care One Iota

About Jacquetta Szathmari

Jacquetta Szathmari is a New York writer and comedian. A native of extremely rural Maryland, she escaped to a Delaware boarding school where, in the face of crew races and bold Laura Ashley floral prints, she developed a unique comic style. Her act is a witty, acerbic, and candid commentary on race/class relations and the failures of modern society.

Her show “That’s funny. You didn’t sound black on the phone” is in the 2011 Hollywood Fringe Festival and has previews May 27 & 28th in NYC.

For more info visit https://www.biggunsbigtobacco.com

twitter @jacquetta