So this Dr. So-and-so says that if you plop your kids down in front of his video series, your children will be able to read and dissect the nuances and symbolism of Moby Dick by the time they’re four-years-old. I bought this series for my seven-year-old when she was a baby and after pinning her down on the floor with duct tape (she was a bit squirmy as a baby with an knat-like attention span) and after hours and HOURS of military-style debriefing and drilling, I gave her Moby Dick and she gave me a look similar to this:

"You want me to read WHAAAAT?? Now if you want me to eat dirt, go get your favorite houseplant. I'm an EXPERT at that."

So all you ladies on BB&W popping out babies like crazy, let this be a cautionary lesson for you as you enter this holiday season with high hopes of molding your child into geniuses by the time they’re 18 months. Learn from Captain Ahab– it’s not so healthy to be obessessed with stuff. Skip the videos and just let them eat dirt, okay?