Today will be a cheat day unlike any other cheat day I’ve had since I swore off complex carbs and sugar. I plan to eat myself into semi coma. I’m going to make a safe assumption that I’ll go far over the 3,500 calories needed to gain a pound, but I’m planning on implementing some counter measures. And since this is the season of giving, I’ll share how I plan to eat all I want without ending up looking like a walrus by the end of the week, courtesy of Charles Stuart Pllatkin, author of “The Diet Detective’s Count Down.”

The scale will not be my friend today. She’s holding it because she knows that smile on her face will fade like Paris Hilton’s star power.

Here’s a list of common foods you’ll eat today, combined with how much exercise it will take to burn it off.

1 Cup Mashed potatoes, made with whole milk and butter: 237 calories. You’ll have to walk 53 minutes, run 22 minutes, bike 29 minutes, or do yoga for 69 minutes to burn that off.

40z dark meat turkey with skin: 204 calories. Walk 53 minutes, swim 25 minutes, or dance 35 minutes.

1 small Homemade dinner roll: 84 calories. Run 9 minutes, bike 12 minutes, or do 29 minutes of yoga.

1 slice pumpkin pie: 270 calories. Run 29 minutes, dance 46 minutes, or do 92 minutes of yoga.

1/2 cup cornbread stuffing: 179 calories. Walk 46 minutes, run 19 minutes, bike 25 minutes, or do 61 minutes of yoga.

If I can’t burn off these calories concurrently, I’m just gonna say effit and go to sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya’ll. Love you big lugs, I do.