By ‘Zac OnBothSides‘

I’m rooting for you, I really am.  But we need to talk.

You’re a white guy like myself and you’ve decided that you are attracted to black women, right? You want to explore the world of inter-racial relationships.  That sounds so mysterious.  Like the Da Vinci Code, but instead of learning about Opus Dei you enter a world of cocoa butter and Audre Lorde. You’re wondering ~”What does it all mean? How do I approach her?  Will she even like me?? Why doesn’t she see that I’m attracted to her? Can my friend call her while I listen on the other line?? Why do I feel like I’m 13 again??   Are you there God, its me Trevor!  I THINK I LOVE BLACK WOMEN!!!! “

Please stop.  Immediately if not sooner. This isn’t working. You know how I know? Because they tell me. That’s right, I get the call after the date BEFORE they call their girlfriend. You wanna know why? Their girlfriend they can complain to, but me, they can yell at. It’s not awesome.  And no I didn’t sign up to man the ‘why do white guys say that’ hotline, it just happened.  Two black step sisters, and no shortage of co-workers, extended family, ex girlfriends and an internet community.  Speaking of the internet- creating a profile for yourself on Where Black People Meet is a fail.  That’s actually the full title of the site, it’s not ‘Where Black People Meet White People’. So stop doing that.

For starters,  you are trying too hard. If ‘trying to hard’ was a bad cologne, you’d be Drakkar. A lot of Drakkar.  What do I mean by trying too hard? Well, this is about something genuine and personal right? So all the calculating and frothing at the mouth doesn’t line up.  Brace yourself, but this is ultimately about finding love. Which is why I’m not uncomfortable handing out some tough love. Speaking of- if you think being in an inter-racial relationship puts you in some rarified air you need to click your heels together and return to 1974. Or even 1994. But today- its not enough to just show up. Black women are not unlike any other women, they deserve you at your best.

I’ve read some thoughtful posts by white men wherein they question what their attraction means, or even a sense of awkward guilt at expressing this attraction, not wanting to objectify or fetishize. Those guys are on to something. It’s called self aware-ness and an deeper understanding of what this represents, and could possibly become.

“Dude- I just wanna go rolling skating and tell her I once saw The Roots live. Why all the negativity?” Well- because, of the calls/messages I referenced, there are plenty wherein someone I care about says- ‘He said he wanted to know what it would be like (intimacy) with a black girl.’  Or, ‘He spent the entire evening talking about how he had never been with a black girl, yet he never asked me a thing about myself’.  There are lots of those.

I know you’re better than that. Let’s thin the heard a little of those guys, let’s move on from ‘Something New’ into someone better. Someone with grace, strength, humor and  little courage.   But you need to get focused now, the Holidays are coming.  And that’s a whole other set of horrified phone calls I don’t want to get.