Sometimes I go to sully myself in the He-Man-Woman-Haters-Crew section of the internet, just to observe the wildlife. While I was there, I noticed an article advising men on how to bang different categories of “sluts” with some patented pick-up-artist voodoo formula. One element of the formula was a practice called “negging” which is used to psychologically manipulate the insecurities of a woman, and therefore, convince her that she’s so inadequate that she should be happy anyone is paying her any attention at all. The practice is often combined in a sort of “neg sandwich,” in which the manipulator might say something nice or neutral, start “negging,” and then follow up with something that, on the surface appears to be nice.

Then I started to think about that, and soon had an epiphany. I have been a victim of “negging” for much of my life.

Random Black Guy: “You’re pretty for a dark girl. I don’t usually date women as dark as you, but you’re cute so I made an exception.”

That, my dears, is classic negging. The name might be new, but the tactic is as old as Hilary Clinton’s pants suits.

In retrospect, I’ve realized that I have been “negged” nearly my entire early dating life. When I was dating almost exclusively within the black community, would often hear, “You a’ight” instead of, “You’re beautiful!” And often I’d hear older black men coaching the younger ones to never tell a black woman she’s pretty for fear it will blow up her head. This practice has become a science, in which throngs of black women have doubted their beauty and desirability to the point where, when outsiders present a counter narrative and celebrate our beauty, we are often suspicious.

On the counter side, it’s pretty obvious that white guys are doing this too, but mainly seem to focus on the more vulnerable, “low hanging fruit” types of women they have access to. Which is equally dangerous to black women, if you STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE LOW VALUE.

Random White Guy: “I don’t usually date black girls, but I guess I need to make an exception.”

That right there is the Neg Half Sandwich. Start with a neg, end with something that on it’s face appears to be a compliment, but it is just a guise to make you feel grateful for being with him so that he too can exploit and manipulate you emotionally and physically.

You need to be VERY aware of both groups of men who do this, and the best way to do so is to simply LISTEN. Listen to WHAT AND HOW things are being said. If you realize that you’re being “negged,” don’t make a scene, just simply smile, and walk away while dude is in mid-sentence.

But you also need to understand that “negging” is predatory practice geared towards women who lack high self esteem, and simply don’t know any better about this dick-move practice. Many of you need additional coaching in this and other areas, so I guess it’s a good time to check out the sage relationship advice of Matthew Hussey. Best-selling author, radio host, and my trusted friend. To find out more, click here.