Americans are a restless people. We’re always looking for an upgrade. We upgrade our flights, skills and education, cars and living spaces. But if like Ralph Richard Banks once told me, “Who you have children with is one of the most important decisions of your life,” then you should be looking to upgrade every boyfriend you have to the highest level possible. True; there’s a smorgasbord of men to be had online, but the most successful and eligible men aren’t just meeting chicks on Match.com.

Meghan Markle, now the Duchess of Sussex and wife of Prince Harry, met through friends. So you have to wonder…who’s in Meghan’s friendship circle? I can guarantee you that her besties aren’t a bunch of Instagram models and old neighborhood potheads who failed to launch. Meghan was very strategic about who her besties are, and obviously utilized the expanded network of connections that led to her meeting a royal.

Now I’m not saying you should social climb solely to meet a man, but if you’re wondering why the men you meet are suspiciously similar to the losers your friends are dating, you might want to shed the dead weight. Many times we black women outgrow the friends that grew up and associated with in high school, but because of nostalgia or guilt, they maintain those relationships, even when they no longer make sense or worse–are unhealthy and can jeopardize your future. Do not minimize the power of the human need to conform. Why not seek to conform in a social circle making moves?

How many of your old girlfriends are deadset against interracial dating and truly believe that relationships are boring unless they are rife with drama? Don’t minimize the power of peer pressure. I just counseled a young woman whose sister had five kids and a poor education who met a white guy willing to take on her children and put her through school. They married but soon divorced because she couldn’t take the “stigma” of being married to a white man. Family members stopped speaking to her and cut her off. Apparently, the stigma of being an uneducated, unmarried baby mama of FIVE wasn’t enough of a stigma to alienate her family, but a white guy who loved her enough to take on all that baggage. Had that silly woman gotten an upgrade in her friendship circle, she might have remained married and happy.

Some women love the feeling of importance they get from feeling like the “big fish in a small pond.” You’re the most accomplished of all your associates and all of them look up to you. Everything you do seems so exciting to them. But what about that situation allows you to grow? Your friends and associates should be your peers and at the level of success, you are with a sprinkle of really, REALLY successful people willing to mentor you and make introductions to others powerful and influential people in their social circle.

Joining organizations like the Junior League will allow you to rub shoulders with accomplished and educated women of other races, and position you to meet quality men at fancy galas and other fundraising events–all while doing some good and learning new things. Guess who else is there? Men. Men who are both single and attached, and women who have brothers and friends and co-workers and colleagues, and family who have single men that could be good potential matches for you.

Pssst! If you want to upgrade your friends, you might need to upgrade yourself. That’s what The Pink Pill course is all about. Click here to learn more.

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