Okay, I’m just going to say it. I am an Uppity Negro. I will not apologize for it, and in the age of reality TEE VEE, no one apologizes anyway. They just go to rehab. And before you even think about an intervention, I’m not going to Uppity Negroes Anonymous.

I suggest you embrace the ‘Proud Uppity Negro’ (PUN) badge of honor too. In the past, the ‘Uppity Negro’ moniker meant you dressed well. And by dressing well, I don’t mean buying Jimmy Choo’s (not Chu’s) but can’t make rent kind of dressing. Check(ing) account more than $0.00. It also meant that you were completely tone-deaf to ebonics. Cha-check. (We talked about this last week. When I was a kid, I was made fun of for my Valley Girl accent, so my slang is kind of like the impersonation of Kim Kardashian trying to talk jive with her nose plugged.

Uppity Negroes can read, and LIKE it. Check. PUN’s are embarrassed by coonery. Check, and double check. I know I’m not supposed to, but every time Boomquisha wears spandex, talks at a level one might in a wind storm, and pops her gum, and some white, geriatric old person looks at me like she’s my cousin, and gives a “Why can’t you people control your cousins!” look, I kind of FEEL like Boomquisha is like the family I never visit.

‘Uppity Negro’ also means you have “middle-class values,” like you wanna get married and have kids in wedlock and stuff. ‘Uppity’ I guess, also means that you want your value, beauty, smarts and personality to be valued by society, your family, and the dudes you date. So I hereby declare today and/or tonight, depending on where in the world you’re reading this, as Proud Uppity Negro (PUN) Day.

So the next time someone calls you an Uppity Negro, turn around and smile really big and say, “Why thank you, cousin Boomquisha!”