LeAnn Diler Comedy on Turning 40

Greetings from Baltimore everyone! I am so glad to be home! Colorado was quite an adventure. Overall I had a pretty good time but it didn’t turn out to be the summer of romance I was hoping for.

In fact, by taking this job I somewhat unwittingly agreed to give up everything I love about summer. Although it was unseasonably warm and dry for Colorado, it still got really chilly at camp in the morning and once the sun went down. I spent most of my days sewing in a cold, dark workspace and only got a glimpse of sunshine during meal times and bathroom breaks. Because of the wildfire restrictions, no one was allowed to barbeque or have fireworks on the 4^th of July. Tubing and rafting were often cancelled because the water levels were so low. The hot springs were fabulous, especially at night, but they were no substitute for a day at the beach.

Speaking of meal times, I’ve packed on at least five pounds from my camp diet which consisted mostly of fats, carbohydrates and caffeine. I stuck to my work outs during the first few weeks, but when the long hours started taking their toll and getting up to work out before breakfast felt impossible, I just it gave up. The air here is so dry I had to purchase the body cream I usually only use in the winter and use deep conditioner on my hair every day. Oh well, a few weeks of Turbo Jam and the South Beach Diet and I should be back to my old self.

Working and co-mingling with so many young people is fun, but can also make me feel really old. Have you ever seen the episode of Sex and the City when the four women go to a party in the Hamptons feeling like they are still twenty and fabulous until they run into some girls who really are twenty and fabulous? The girls in my crew would work a 14-hour shift, spend the night drinking and hooking up with the other staff and come to work the next day hung over and exhausted. Also, I really start to wonder about the growth hormones used for farming livestock when 16 year-old campers have 26-inch waists and size 34DD breasts. Even the male staff members closer to my age were so mesmerized by the parade of perfect bodies in short-shorts and cowboy boots that my feeble flirtations didn’t stand a chance. I managed to get off camp at least once a week, but the local vibe was pretty conservative and homogeneous. The only bar that stayed open late was a beer pub that was filled with frat-boy townies and a DJ that played horrendous, ear-splitting dub-step music all night.

Now that I’m back I’ll eventually have to explain to the IT guy that we are not dating just because he texts me almost every day. His latest list of accomplishments includes wrecking his POS roadster and moving into a basement apartment, which I bet is an absolute hole in the wall. Just when I didn’t think my outlook for romance couldn’t get any worse, I got rejected by a guy who seemed to have an appealing profile on Match.com. We matched on every point of our criteria right down to our favorite movies. Generally, I’ve had better results online when the guy makes the first approach, but he sounded so good on paper that I decided to take a chance. I sent a note that simply said “Jackie Brown is one of my favorite movies too.”  The next day he sent an automated response that said “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” OK. My profile has been viewed and passed over hundreds of times so normally that wouldn’t bother me much. When I look at their profile, the reason the person isn’t interested usually becomes evidently clear. He either definitely want kids or his ethnicity preferences don’t include black/African or he doesn’t meet of most my preferences, but I was stumped as to why this guy wasn’t even willing to exchange a few pleasantries. I decided, for the sake of research, to send him a second e-mail and this is what it said:

Thanks at least for responding. I am curious though, why don’t you think we’d make a good match? I don’t mean to pressure you, but it seems like we have a lot in common and I’m not having much luck here. Any feedback would be helpful.

This was his reply, word for word, no editing, I sh*t you not:

Hi, you’re welcome. I find it disheartening, and frankly rude, for women to demand more than a simple “hi, write me” email, but then don’t have the courtesy for even a simple, “I read your profile and email but I’m not interested”. so, to your question, i’ll be honest. i saw your profile a few times on here. You look attractive and interesting. I like your view on religion and what you do. FOR ME, the “super hero” thing was a bit much and turned me off with over the top cheese. FOR ME, pictures 3, but especially 4, are a little to “real”. It looks like what I might expect to see after 5 years married, not 1st time dating. like someone’s aunt making them barbecue. I don’t know that any of that is fair, but I’m telling you my honest opinion. Take it for what it’s worth: the words of a complete, essentially anonymous stranger. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. Im at least gladdened by your question that there are people of good faith on here. 🙂 but yeah. lose pic #4. it does you no favors, in my opinion. no one’s every photo is good. 🙂 though it is a happy pic, which maybe why you used it. ps – ive been on your side of this discussion more than i care for. 🙂 bye.

I’m glad he saved me the trouble of meeting yet another a-hole, but it saddens me to know that this is the kind of madness that I’m dealing with out here.

It may be time to admit that I just have too many factors working against me for online dating. Even a douchebag who thinks I’m attractive and interesting rejected me on the basis of one quirky yet creative writing sample and two out of five photos. I still look and feel relatively young, but not young enough to eagerly bear children. I’m not interested in dating black men who can’t commit to marriage or finishing college but who are totally fine with having multiple children out of wedlock. None of the activities I’ve tried have put me in a position for meeting single, eligible men and I’m completely out of funding for any new endeavors. FML. What am I supposed to do next?