Monday-Punday #25
SirLoin, up to his usual tricks, offers these groaners for your examination:
A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, “Wait till the nun signs Shelly!”
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab on to my manhood and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks.
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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make de Van Gogh.”
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The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day’s battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock “Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.,” he said, “Cost is no object.”
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.
“It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change,” said one junior executive. “I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch.” This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P.M., it should be called the Six O’Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. “We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as … ‘Alexander’s Rag Timeband!’
