Monday-Punday #26

Ah, the limerick – 5 lines of delightful nonsense (often ‘unclean’) – thus:

And now for the ‘juicy’ stuff …

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Bill & Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season…opening day!!! Suddenly and very unexpectedly, before the game got started, Bill grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The audience at the game, as well as on the television stations, was shocked. Equally stunned was the home plate umpire. Leaning over to help Hillary get on her feet, he shouted, “No, Mr. President! I said ‘throw the first pitch’!”

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One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

“We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.”

“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

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It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson’s country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, “You’re looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?”

“Having such a popular husband, of course.”

“Surely there must be more to it than that, madam.”

“Well, there’s Old Hickory’s dickery, doc.”

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One day, a guy was on his way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as he sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into his windshield. If that wasn’t strange enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there the guy was with a bird stuck on his windshield. Without any other apparent options, he turned on the windshield wipers to try to get rid of the bird. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind him. Unfortunately, the car behind him was a police car.

Immediately the lights went on and he was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told him that he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead his case fell on deaf ears.

The officer simply stated, “I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.”

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“Newsflash! Fire at the Polaroid factory. Details as they develop”

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See … I told ya …