Monday-Punday #6

Ahhh … now I’ve got you in my power … (evil chuckle!!!) … helpless, while I dig up my literary slime-encrusted puns and force them on your tender, innocent eyes – AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA …

Yours in evil,

SirLoinDeBeef

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Then there was the atheist dyslexic insomniac, who lay awake at night, wondering if there really was a Dog

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A village in Orkney named Twatt–

And there is one, believe it or not–

Shares a problem (not silly)

With Warwick-shire’s Willy …

Its road signs get taken a lot!

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Dementia Brownies:

Remove clothing from oven & preheat to 375 – sigh about Mom – melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove clothing from oven again and tell Mom, “no, no.” – add melted margarine to 2 cups of sugar.

Take shortening can away from Mom and clean cupboards – measure 1/2 cup of cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Mom again and bathe cat – apply antiseptic & bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla and 1 1/2 cups sifted flour – take smoldering clothes from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well – let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13 inch pan – bake 25 minutes – rescue cat and take razor away from Mom – explain to her that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn – throw cat outside while he’s still able to run away.

Frosting:

Mix in a saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz. unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine – take the damn clothes out of the damn broiler and put away … far away!

Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman that you didn’t know Mom had slipped out of the house and was standing naked in the middle of the street, holding a streaming garden hose … cackling, cursing and screaming.

Add 1/3 cup of milk, dash of salt and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes – answer door and apologize to neighbor for Mom having stuck a garden hose

in his front door mail slot – promise to pay for the ruined carpet.

Call the nursing home – promise to pay any amount requested – beg them to arrange for transportation ASAP.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

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There is a third rate carnival in town. They are a small outfit and most of the employees had several roles including the fortune-teller, who was also a dwarf billed as the “world’s tiniest woman”. Apparently she’d had enough of this racket, and ran off with the gate receipts last night. The headline this morning: Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

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And then there was the news story about the lunatic who sexually assaulted a woman in a laundry before absconding. The headline read: Nut screws washer and bolts.

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It was reported that there was an investigation into the affairs of the nefarious Captain Knee Mose, who kidnapped 10,000 tourists under the pretense of a cut-priced tour of the south pacific. Powering his submarine by sticking the tourists’ legs out through specially gussetted holes in the hull, Knee Mose forced them them to paddle across the ocean floor like deep sea galley slaves.

We recoiled in horror at the Captain Knee Mose’s inhumanity, saying, “but that means … Twenty Thousand Legs Under The Sea!”

>>> See ya next week – AHAHAHAHAHAHA …<<<