Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
As I mentioned in my Kim Kardashian post, I am compiling a list of things that we ladies need to leave behind in 2019. (To our gents out there, feel free to take when you can glean from this post as well.) We keep repeating the same cycles over and over. This has to change. Einstein once said, “Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results.” While there are the Negative Nancies out there who like to shame those of us who plan for better towards the new year, I say, “Get in where you fit in.” Find a plan that works for you, and stick with it. If something on my list does not work for you, feel free to skip it, or suggest something in the comments that could be a better fit. Let us all learn together.
Trigger warning: This is more of a “tough love” article with light and love sprinkled in. If you are not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions, or if you are happy with yourself the way that you are, I support you in your life as is. Please do not let my commentary put a bee in your bonnet. Go on and be great. Just imagine my commentary like the teacher from peanuts.
(New year new plans fresh start on computer screen)
I have no children, and I do not plan to have any without being married. Christelyn got a lot of flack back in the day for saying this, and launching her “No Wedding, No Womb” campaign. People are well aware, inside of the community and out, of the extraordinarily high out-of-wedlock rate in the black community, at almost 80%. There are also studies that highlight single parent households as a cause and strong indicator of future poverty. I know that there will be women in the comments decrying these thoughts as elitist, neocolonialist and white supremacist. You are entitled to your opinion.
The fact remains that the negative practices in our community are setting us back in our society. If we want to level up, we have to make strategic changes. While it is possible to be accepted as you are, no one (outside of your friends and family) is under any obligation to unconditionally love and accept you and your behaviours. This is the real world, not Barney and friends. That said, there are exceptions. We have our lovely Beyond Black and White Community here, and each writer cares for the audience and wants to see you win.
So what am I saying? Am I advocating for abortions à la carte, dumping children in orphanages or throwing them in the Nile? Absolutely not. I am advocating for responsible parenting. If you are not ready to be a parent, there are ways to prevent that. Abstinence is free and prevents babies 100% of the time, save for nonconsenual sexual violence. If that path is not for you, there are other ways to skin a cat. Condoms are distributed freely on college campuses. Take advantage of any family planning support in your personal or corporate healthcare plan. This is not me trying to force religious puritanical views on you. This is a way to secure your legacy.
If you already have children, enjoy them, love them, and care for them. Teach them the good that you have done in your life, and the mistakes you have made. Train them to live their best lives and create the future they would want for their children. Children are an investment and a precious gift to treasure.
My biggest fear isn’t even being broke it’s birthing a kid for a man who aint shit.
— Oloni (@Oloni) December 18, 2019
A woman can get pregnant once in a year. A man can impregnate thousands. If men would think more of themselves and stop nutting in a bunch of women, there wouldn’t be any pregnant women to have to make that choice. It’s all on women? Men aren’t up there w/them? Sir. https://t.co/U6255fa8Mr
— Asase Ya ?? (@TinySilhouette) December 22, 2019
(You all know that I do not typically swear in my articles. Do you, but I find it rather vulgar. That said, I am specifically referencing song titles in this section.) In the case of children, planned or not, it typically takes two to tango. (Of course, exceptions are made for the Virgin Mary and those who leverage or support the local sperm bank.) We need to move away from connecting ourselves with men who bring us down. If the man does not work, has no ambition, has 20 bajillion kids, and/or is not a provider, protector, producer, problem-solver, he is the weakest link. Looks and a generous package is not enough to hitch your wagon to a loser. We cannot afford to date a man’s potential either. He may never live up to what he is truly made of, and may end up resenting you for not loving him the way that he is. Take a stock of a man that wants your attention. What is the essence of his character? What can he offer you, or your current and/or future children? If you had a child that came out just like the man you were with, would you be okay with that? Just ask yourself those questions.
I know that people will again accuse us of being golddiggerish and elitist. No one is saying that you have to marry a Gates or a Buffet. Just determine what hypergamy means to you and a man who matches that profile. (I am writing an article that highlights what hypergamy could mean to us. Stay tuned.) That said, as many of you like to comment, you can do anything that you want to do. If you want your Beauty and the Beast, or Lady and the Tramp fairytale, do not let me stop you. If you like it, I love it. Just know that if you start investing heavily in a man prior to marriage, and you break up, you cannot get that time, energy and investment back. In that case, you are basically his Good Luck Chuck.
Do not even get me started on the trend of today’s soy boys: find a woman to finance his lifestyle; level up his looks, education, skill set and quality of life, and then leave her for another woman who can do the same thing, once he is bored, or finally pursue the true woman of his dreams. I know that it is “sexist” to say this, but I truly believe that men like to play the role of the hunter, and love the thrill of the chase. If you are willing to give a man everything, why should he work to give you his best?
the last girl who did this ended up on the tl crying bc she taught him how to read and then he used his snazzy new words and vocabulary to break up with her via text. stay woke girls and gays ? https://t.co/Yddo5iHwrq
— lauren. (@leauxmichelle) June 19, 2019
One song that still maintains relevance to date is “No Scrubs” by TLC. (Click here for the video or the lyrics.) I know that black women love to be about building with someone, holding down their man or being a ride or die chick. A more contemporary version of this song is Lookin A** (video and lyrics) by Nicki Minaj. (I did not watch this video, as I honestly feel like I have seen enough of Nicki’s posterior, throughout my life, that I could point it out in a line-up. Watch at your own risk.) We have already covered Nicki Minaj’s recent wedding on the blog. I wondered why people kept bringing up this song (on Twitter) in connection with her recent marriage, so I went to googling. I understand the situation now. In one of her most popular songs, Nicki was decrying men who were not on their grind, much less on her level. Despite this mantra, she left her throne, as the queen of rap, to marry a regular shmegular dude who just happened to have served time for manslaughter and the attempted rape of a 16-year old girl.
It is high time for us to reclaim our time. Not everyone needs access to us and our wombs. We are all lovely amazing women who do not need a low-value man to validate our existence. (You do not necessarily need a high-value man either, if you do not want one. Either way, neither man validates your existence. You are enough all on your own. We get comments that think we do not stress this thought enough, so I thought I would re-emphasize that.)
ladies please stay away from any clowns in 2020 and far away from situationships that can cause you to lose valuable time. Your time is precious. Know your worth, don’t be so available + accessible, AND please give dudes a hard time to get to know you until proven otherwise.
— ?????? ????? (@paigesofjordan) December 23, 2019
This one here is a word all in itself. Would you believe, when I was in grade school, teachers used to call up my folks about this kind of thing? I would be helping kids out who were the more disruptive ones, which would not put me in the teacher’s good books. I must say that I have not always learned my lesson since.
I am feeling in the mood to share a personal story. I am not going to be super detailed, as it is really not my story to tell – I was more of an active bystander. Plus, I do not want any smoke in real life for talking about this. (God knows that I cannot say or do anything without it spreading to the four corners of the earth.) Yet and still, I think it is a useful illustration. I know of toxic individual who used to be rather close to my life – not by choice, we just ran in similar circles. He would bring around his girlfriends every so often to introduce to the gang. Two of them stick out in particular. Why? Because, by then, I was “grown” and could get into “grown folks business.” I knew he was a “bad hombre,” and that they should steer clear. The very first day I met each of them, within the first hour after talking, I took them both aside, looked them dead in the eye, and told them the following, “I like you. You seem like a nice, great girl. I have no issues with you, you are great. Please do not take what I say next as a slight against you. This guy is not a good guy. Trust me, you do not want to be with him. You really ought to leave him. He is not a good person.” Based on my connection to said person, which will remain unsaid, my words should have held significant weight.
You want to know what those two girls did? They smiled and laughed in my face, went off to the dude and laughed to him about it (he was not amused), and went on to each have a baby with him. Many years later, they found out that his toxic behaviour was no laughing matter. What did they find out? Well, in addition to cheating and other abusive behaviours, that when the spirit of Chris Brown moves upon his heart, he lays hands like Chris Brown lays hands. In case you need a Chris Brown refresher, here’s a link. (And if any of you fellow church folks knew the song lyric I was spoofing and sang along with the new words, you are going to hell. Yes, I am kidding. Moving on.)
You want to know what was the craziest part of this whole Jerry Springer saga? Of all the people in the world that these ladies could complain to about their woes, they find the one person who actually warned them not to get into this situation in the first place. (*Looks at the camera like Jim from the office*) So, why do you think I care? I took you aside, two eyes made four, and I literally told you to get away from that kneegur and YOU chose not to listen to me, but now that you see the error of your ways, you think that MY ears need to hear this drivel? (Yes, that word in italics was exactly what you thought it was.) Nah. Hard pass. Keep that to YOURSELF. Cool story bro, save it for Dr. Phil.
When I give a friend advice, they don’t listen and then hit my line again pic.twitter.com/8z9uXOsGtI
— Deshaun Watson’s Pastor ? (@JRocIsMajor_) November 24, 2019
For 2020, I am committing to stop trying to help people who do not want to be helped, and that extends to my friends on and off line. Everyone wants to talk about the destruction and decay of the black community, but when you suggest ideas for them to improve themselves, everyone wants to attack you, call you everything but a child of God, and fight for the right to be strong and wrong. People will ignore and shout down advice that you give them only to turn around and come back around later, with a much different tone. Time will reveal all.
I hope that each of us can take any tidbits that work for us, and strategize for the best that this life can offer. Let me not harp on like I have all the answers. I am still learning myself. However, as the good book says, “A prophet is not welcome in his own hometown.” In the case of here on the blog, I have a few more heavy posts to write, and then I am washing my hands of the critical posts. As some of you have commented, some of the content we may be passionate about sharing is not what you come here for. The best we can do is to help you as you would like to be helped, and call it a day.
Have a Happy New Year! May all of your dreams and goals come true. What are you leaving behind in 2020? Leave a comment below.
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
It’s a new year and with it, perhaps new incentive to finally pursue what you...
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