Written by Nicole J.

Niecy Nash sadly reported that she and her husband Jay Tucker are calling it quits after eight years of marriage. This is especially curious, given that she notoriously (and erroneously) said that “a blowjob a day keeps the divorce attorney away” just two months ago. The reason listed on the gossip columns cite “strain” due to distance, work, and her “new body” as the reason for the split. Marriages end all the time, so that’s not the topic at hand. However, given Niecy’s comments about finding marital bliss via fellatio 91 days ago (I counted), I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss some important considerations when it comes to “keeping a man”. We will see if this divorce follows the trend of another wealthy black woman getting taken to the cleaners after marrying beneath her, but that’s a blog for another day.

First of all, a man who does not want to be kept, will not be kept. It’s that simple. It may be a cynical view to have, but it’s true. That’s why revolving your life around a man is a fool’s errand, and you should act in your best interest whether or not a man is in your life. With that pesky gift of free will, nobody can be truly “kept” at all. You can literally bend over backwards for a man, and he can, and will, leave no matter how much your jaw hurts after or how much his family likes you or how clean a house you keep or how bomb your chicken parmigiana is.

What are some other things that are incorrectly held as “ways to keep a man”? Here is a (non-exhaustive) list.

• Daily sex

  Niecy’s comment has come back to haunt her a mere 13 weeks after she made them. A blowjob, or relying solely on sexual pleasure, is not a strong foundation for a marriage. I understand that was likely a comment made in jest to rile the masses, but here we are. Even pushing your own sexual boundaries is not a way to keep a man either – even though he may beg for a position or additional parties to “spice things up”, that doesn’t mean he’ll stay after he gets his part of the deal.

• A baby

  One of the WORST things a woman can do is fool herself into thinking that a baby will be the salve to a wounded relationship. If a union sours, adding a baby to the mix will not be a solution. In fact, it’ll probably make everything worse.

• Ride or die status

  Ah, yes, so you think that waiting for him to get out of prison, or forgiving his cheating, standing by his side through egregious conduct will make him see how good a woman you are? Nope. You can do all that and more and still get the short end of the relationship stick.

• Bending to his every whim

  Allowing him to take out loans in your name? Not using condoms despite not wanting a baby? Letting him do whatever he wants because a piece of a man is better than no man at all? Becoming a human doormat to keep your partner is a surefire way to not just not keep your man, but run yourself ragged in the process.

• Forgiveness

  Cheating isn’t so bad, as long as he didn’t bring a little baby bastard to your doorstep, right? Everybody loses their temper now and then, a little physical or emotional abuse isn’t that bad, is it? Forgiving a man for red flags, or conduct you simply cannot abide, does not keep a man. It just puts you in the sacrifice seat to be miserable, or worse.

While it’s nice to think that every relationship will be sunshine and rainbows, you will need to use some discernment on when to hold him, and when to fold him. Accepting terrible treatment to “keep” a man not worth keeping only does yourself a disservice. Listening to advice that sounds good in the short term can come back and bite you a few short months later, as we’ve seen here today.

What else gets touted as a way to keep a man, but is utter nonsense? Let’s keep the list going in the comments.