This weekend I am undergoing emergency surgery to remove the laptop that has aheared to my thighs.

It requires tremendous amounts of mental energy to write funny stuff while simultaneously dishing out information, but the children have had enough, and have staged an intervention. They booked a surgeon to come to the house and rip this piece of hardware off of me so I can spend some time with the fam. I was quick to agree to the procedure because we believe that two of my children have been possessed by demons and I and the husband have been performing around-the-clock exorcisms. The six-year-old is spitting out green slim and levitating. The four-year-old boy has acquired hysterical hearing loss and just shouts about wanting juice, eating candy and popsicles, and playing outside until 11:55 PM .

Zachary serving as the lookout for some shenanigans his sister is planning, no doubt!

Clearly, these kids need tending to. I cracked out my old Dr. Dobson books and I’m skimming to see what OBVIOUSLY major misstep I have made in my parenting technique. The good doctor says that I only have until the kids turn eight to get them in line or they are guaranteed to grow up to be sociopaths, nymphomanics or at the very least, WalMart greeters. Clearly, time is of the essence.

So with that, I take the weekend off. But stay tuned for what’s coming next week:

• Advice from Dr. Linda Young, a psychologist who specializes in interracial relationships, on how to pick your battles when your interracial relationship gets the going-over from outsiders
• And then, at some point (he won’t let me tell you when exactly this is coming) but guest blogger and Facebook Extraordinaire, Aaby Aabaakawad will present his essay, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Swirl. Yeah. I bet that got your attention.
• And last but not least, veteran interracial dater and wife, Brenda Scribner, shares her memories of her first love with a little white boy named Butch when she lived in South Georgia in the late 1960’s. If this story doesn’t bring you to tears, then, well…I just don’t know.

Until then, I’ll be keeping myself scarce. Recovery from surgery may be slow, and I’ll be catching up on Lifetime in between racking up cool points with the kiddies

The laptop has grown tentacles into all major arteries, so removal may be risky.

.