Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
I’m black, but now I have “white people problems”…
My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 years. He (47) and I (44) are divorced. He was married for 20 years and divorced after 4 years of enduring a sexless marriage. I, because of spousal infidelity. In the divorce decree, he got the house along with custody of his daughters – leaving his ex responsible for paying half the mortgage until the end of this year.
His daughters decided to go and live with their mother. Then, six months ago, their mother lost her job and it forced her to downsize everything, including the apartment she was renting. So, the girls (now 20 & 22) decided to move back in with their father, my boyfriend.
His daughters decided to go and live with their mother. Then, six months ago, their mother lost her job and it forced her to downsize everything, including the apartment she was renting. So, the girls (now 20 & 22) decided to move back in with their father, my boyfriend.
We were talking about how things would be once the girls move back in, and he jokingly said, “I sure hope she finds a job soon or she’s gonna be trying to come back too! She is paying half the mortgage, you know? So, technically, it is her house too until the end of the year.” Haha hehe… we both laughed.
Well, within about 3 months that joke became a reality. As of next Sunday, she is going to be moving back into the house for 30 days. During this time, he says he’ll be spending his nights with me at my place so that he won’t have to deal with her at all. I think that it’s commendable that he not let his children’s mother be out on the street with no where to go. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much. But he wants us all to be friends… talking about how we should go to dinner together and discuss this temporary arrangement. But, I’m not feeling that at all.
So, I was trying to figure out how to tell him I don’t care to meet her in that setting, I don’t want to have to force a conversation over dinner which could take hours! To me, the fact that the kids are of age means there is no reason we need to have a getting-to-know-you session. So I suggested that on her move-in day he and I could go over to his house together; he could introduce me to her; we’d say hi and bye; and after a few sure-to-be-awkward moments, he and I could go away together. That sounds waaay more reasonable to me.
But he said, in his so-positive, so-square, can’t-help-but-love-him voice, “I think it’s going to be okay. I talked to her, and she’s really looking forward to meeting you. I’ll make a reservation for dinner. It’ll be fine. You’ll see.”
All I could do is shake my head. I don’t know of one black woman in my circle of friends and beyond who has had to go through this. So, who in the world do I reach out to? I’ve spoken to one of my white girlfriends and she says “Whoa! Sounds like you’ve got white people problems, girl!” Yeah, that was funny. But, she doesn’t have any suggestions about how to revisit the whole thing and be firm about how I feel about this.
Dinner is scheduled next Thursday. Help. I don’t want to go. What do I do to stop this train?
Signed, Not down with WPP!
Here’s my take: Kiss your man on the head, speak softly and smile while you say, “Baby there’s no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks I’ll feel comfortable breaking bread with a woman you were married to for two decades and is now back living at your house.
Girl, men are so naive sometimes, so clueless to the ways of women. Of course the ex says it’s okay that she meet the new girlfriend, because she wants to know who the chick is warming his bed at night. Part of a cooperative relationship is to consider the other person’s feelings and have empathy. He might want to ask himself why it’s so important for you to meet his EX-WIFE in the first place.
This current situation sounds pretty messy, and I’m not sure you want to be around AT ALL while his ex wife is living in the home, even if the boyfriend says he wants to spend nights with you. Because the truth of the matter is, he’ll be spending his days with her and their children together, all under one roof for a whole month. If this were me, I’d make myself scarce until the situation resolves itself. Women can be very competitive when it comes to other women, and if he initiated the divorce because of non-sex, who’s to say that the competitive side of her won’t just inspire her to take a trip to Frederick’s of Hollywood and bionk his brains out just for old time’s sake?
You know your guy better than I do, so I’ll let you be the judge on his trustworthiness. My concern is your well-being, and while your boyfriend has his ex-wife and kids living in his home is not conducive to you “being well” know what I mean?
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
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