I was talking to a friend of mine who is white and is married to and prefers black men. I have been struggling trying to get a date for quite sometime. I really want to settle down and get married and start a family. Nothing has ever manifested. I have been morose for quite sometime due to this. My friend said that it is obvious that white men don’t find me attractive and I am too picky because I won’t consider a black man and it is my fault that I will end up being a spinster. Do you think that is a bit harsh. Are we wrong closing our hearts to black men. I just am not physically attracted to black men.

First, thanks for writing. I’m so sorry you feel how you are feeling. There’s several things going on here, and I’ll try to peel off the layers as I go.

–First thing’s first: You mentioned that you are “struggling trying to get a date.” Did you know that the opposite sex can smell desperation, because it comes out through your pores? When dating, you have to present yourself as a Woman of High Value (WOHV). As such, you present yourself to the world as someone worth knowing and pursuing. A man can sense when your desire for marriage is all consuming and any man of quality will run in the other direction if they feel you just want to “insert husband and stir.”

–Second, your “friend” telling you that “white men obviously don’t find you attractive,” is in my humble opinion, not a friend. Does she know every single white guy in your town, and then has she polled them with a 1-to-10 survey on how attractive they think you are, and then do a double-blind backup study? No? Then she needs to STFU and stop acting like the special snowflake that got her man and her preference and will leave everyone else to go kick rocks. Did she marry a black dude because she “obviously” couldn’t attract white guys? Go ask her. See was she says.

My friend, Matthew Hussey writes about how sometimes it’s necessary to make new friends in order to expand your relationship options. “New friends equal new opportunities. Life is so short; there are so many potential friends available to us, yet people still seem to limit their opportunities to the confines of their small social group, instead of branching out and really enjoying the possibilities that can come from every encounter in their lives,” he writes in his book, Secrets of the Male Mind.

–Last thing, please don’t let this white woman act as an instrument of the BC and try to pull you back in. I mean, she had a preference for black men and got one, but why does she tell you that you are not entitled to your preference like she had? No one should be “forced” to date a group of [insert noun here] if they are attracted to them. Your friend is attempting to create some feeling of guilt and false obligation, or perhaps she just wants you to date black men because it might make things less intimidating for her when all of you double date. Whatever it is, it stinks.

–Bottom line, everyone is entitled to their preferences and if your friend continues to act like a frenemy, it might be time to skeedaddle. I have, with mine own eyes, seen white men with short, tall, skinny, fat, gorgeous and average, smart and dumb, happily coupled with black women. And writer, you and I know each other, so you know I know what you look like. You are lovely. Build upon your self, stop being morose, and put some space between you and that frenemy.