Hello. I love your blog! It is so wonderful. Informative, sweet, and honest! I currently live in Boise Idaho. I am nice black lady 31 years of age. I want to date! I am soo scared. In my 20s I met some guys who were either weird intense, or would just vanish. Here the majority is vanilla, white in Boise. I was hanging out with an acquaintance yesterday and a group of men walked by. They all looked at her. She is vanilla also. I just believe the majority of white men will not be interested in me.

I am attracted to white men. I am told by lots of people that I am a beautiful girl. She is 49, the acquaintance yesterday, and still the men all looked at her, and when they would talk would give all their attention to her. Should I move maybe? Boise just have not caught the swirl yet, if ever? My cousin in the Seattle area says that white men are scared of black women. I so do not want to believe that! I so would like to be on a  path where I could have a boyfriend, at least get some dates. I just really get not attention here. Friend told me to focus going on dates with God. I want dates with cute humans also! Any advice is you could spare the time? Thank you. 🙂

*record scratches to a halt*

“Dates with God??”

Is that what we’re telling single black women to do now?

How does that look, exactly? Does one dress up for that?

Is lingerie involved?

That’s has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in relationship to black women and religion. It’s like some folks want black women to live like nuns until Tyrone or Ray-Ray has his “Come to Jesus” moment because he’s beginning to get laughed at by the girls in the club. Listen chica, you’re not going to find Mr. Right in church, mostly because single men don’t much go to church unless they’re trolling for dates. And have you been to a black church lately and saw how the single women far outnumber the men? Like shooting fish in a barrel while roosting in a hen house.  You might want to take a read of Deborrah Cooper’s new book, “The Black Church: Where Women Pray and Men Prey.”

I’m not saying that you should give up on your faith, but having a date with The Almighty sounds creepy as hell.

As for swirling in Idaho, I’d say the pickings are probably a bit slim for black women in Potato Land. But your friend in Seattle may have a point–white guys tend to be a bit, uh…more tentative in their approach to black women. We’ve talked about this issue at length both in “Swirling” and on the blog. Here’s an oldie but goodie:

Now as far as your white friend getting more attention than you –that’s a bit tricky. Lots of variables might be going on here. Tell you what: Next time you got out with this lady, observe how she interacts socially with the opposite sex. Is she flirty? Does she dress to impress? Does she lock eyes on her target like a pit bull on a butt cheek? Eye-contact, or a lack thereof, greatly influences whether or not a guy feels like he has the green light to make a move.

If I were you, I’d also do an internal check of what thoughts are going through your mind when men approach the two of you. For instance, do you automatically defer to your white, female friend simply because you assume that because she is white, she’s somehow a superior catch even as she approaches the half-century mark? You’re 31 and she’s 49. Unless she looks like Rachel Welsh, no way can you tell me that most men in your age group are going for the white woman who’s old enough to be your mother. I’m not buying it.

Ladies?