Hello Cris.

I’m enjoying your blog.

I’m a little bit discouraged because I have a crush on this guy. We were out last night with some other people. [It wasn’t a date. It was a group of us.] We have really good chemistry and so much in common. But when it comes to anything beyond friendship, it seems like he notices every Caucasian girl, in close proximity, regardless of whether or not she’s remotely attractive. It’s really discouraging. I read your blog and I do most of the things you suggest. I exercise, I take care of myself, I’m well read, etc. However, it feels like, romantically speaking, I’m
invisible because, simply put, I’m not white and that hurts.

Why is that Cris?

First off L, when I read your question, I have to admit it tugged at my heart. I’ve been Invisible Girl, crushing on a guy who told me in every which way except employing the use of homing pigeons, smoke signals and a big “I’M NOT THAT INTO YOU!” on a billboard on the northbound 14 Freeway. Invisibility happens to all of us sometime in life, but I think now’s a good time to explore why, exactly you’re feeling this way. So I brought in the big guns. My pal, Dr. Gilda Carle, psychologist, dating and relationships expert, Match.com columnist and author of 15 books, to weigh in on this.

“A person feels invisible because she [often] projects what she thinks of herself,” she said. What are your projecting? You’re not going to make anyone believe something you don’t believe yourself, no matter what color the guy is.”

In other words, you are what you believe you are. Dr. Carle suspects that many young girls fall victim to a sort of hero worship, in which a relationship is more fantasy than reality.

So…L…this may hurt a little, but you may be seriously misreading the chemistry between the two of you, because the good doc says that if the object of your affection is looking at every white piece of tail that comes his way hot or not, then he’s not really into you. In fact, this dude might just be an arsehole. Or a kitty hound. But probably both. My question to you is, why do you like a guy like that anyway? “If a man really wants you, he’ll do anything to make you his,” says Dr. Carle. Me thinks you might need an attitude makeover, my dear.

Now if NOBODY notices you, you might want to look at what messages you’re sending out into the universe, says Dr. Carle. “In a case, for instance, of a girl being morbidly obese, I’d have to ask, what are you hiding behind that weight? Same thing if someone stands with their arms folded in front of them–you’re telling people you’re hiding; you’re not open.”

Bottom line: Seek men who are attainable and open to you. Stop setting yourself up for rejection so people feel sorry for you. Examine what you really feel about yourself. In this case, it’s really what you think that might make the most difference.