Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
There is so much great information that is being been shared by the readers in the comment section of Dani’s article SHARE: Dating Outside of the States that we just had to start a separate one just to feature them all.
Thanks to all who are participating is this discussion. I will be updating this as warranted.
From London Calling:
In my personal experience there is a difference in European men because Americans have such a complicated racial history that is just not there in Europe. I am not saying all black american women must go to Europe to find love. I am just saying that there just isn’t the preconceived notions of black women this or black women that..that americans seem to have. This again is my personal experience. My husband told me that he just saw me as an American and his ideas about Americans took precedence over any racial stereotypes. I was a woman, who happened to be a Yank, who then was black…but our differences come down to cultural rather than colour.
I think world travel is something that all adults should experience simply because one needs to see other cultures and perspectives on the world outside of the American one. I travel back and forth between the UK and America frequently and I personally think things are changing with how white American MEN view black women. White women…not so much. That is a whole different story isn’t it? I can’t help but notice that all the adverts in America featuring black women are of the sassy, loud mouthed, fat, overweight black woman. All I am saying is that who benefits from that image of black women being portrayed? And what all of a sudden this huge push to get that out there….Don’t give me the whole “But Scandal and How to get away with murder”…That’s 2 images. Are you kidding me?
In Europe I am just a woman. Period…my colour is a phenotypical trait but it does not define me, or make me any less of a human, and unfortunately I have to navigate the world differently when I do come to America. Just travel ladies. In general…in America, Europe, Asia, South America, Canada. There are literally billions of men out here. There are huge expat communities in Asia – mostly british and Aussie men. Lots of Brits in the Islands…so that’s a good place too if you aren’t yet ready to fly all the way over. European men travel. They are all over the world as we speak hopping on planes, backpacking and seeing the world. Go out there and see it too. I traveled through Europe alone for months and met amazing people. Even if you are not looking for love…again the exposure to another culture, in my opinion is crucial to the social development of any well rounded individual. This is why I find alot of Americans wilfully and pathetically ignorant. The world does not begin and end with America or Americans.
The key thing is that you are not a tree. You can get up and travel at any moment. This also includes going into new places in your own backyard. Micro breweries that are so popular in America right now are full of hot, single non black men. I went with my husband and if I was single then I would have made it a point to mingle around the room and have set up multiple dates..lol.
You have options is what I am saying…you have options in America, and you have options all over the world. Options are not limited to a city, state, or nation. Men are all over the place. Are you in Grad school? Are you at uni? Are you at work? They know someone, or there is someone who knows a single non black man. Are you at the airport right now? open your eyes. Are you traveling? Flirt, smile and let me know how it all goes for you when you explore the options you have. Again…you have options in America, you have options in Europe, you have options in Asia, Candada, South America…hell there are men on the Space station right now that – granted hard to get to you could wrangle for. I do not believe in limiting based on skin colour. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. And black women are a force to be reckoned with. We have such a unique and astounding look that other women pay money to look like us. Use that to your advantage. I am not too good to admit that I certainly did and that uniqueness to set me apart in the dating world. When someone tries to say no one wants black women I always chuckle..because from what I see men are lining up trying to get a black woman. So whatever. bye felicia.
Last thing…Argentina has some very very handsome men. I thought South America…perhaps they aren’t in to black women. Wrong! I was beating men off with a stick. So ladies….I say do not listen to the nonsense.. no one wants black women. The places you can go and have men interested in you.. interested in dating you seriously might surprise you.
Italy- If things had not worked out with my husband to be fantastic I would certainly marry an Italian!!!!
From BrownZara:
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
It’s a new year and with it, perhaps new incentive to finally pursue what you...
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Ladies,
Being born in the Netherlands I have lived my entire life in Europe. Since I have never been in the States I don’t have experiences with the men over there.
Yes in Europe you will be approached by white men who will find you beautiful. The standard of beauty in the media etc. is still white, but A LOT OF white men appreciate the chocolate beauty. I have never had any problems attracting white men. Somethimes it saddens me that it is not the same in the US and that white men do not even dare to talk to you because of your race. To me that sounds utterly ridiculous.
But please, ladies, do not underestimate your AMERICAN PRIVILEGE. People in Europe (secretly) admire the US. Next to a beautiful black woman, they see a rich american tourist. If you were an immigrant or asylumseeker from Africa, you would NOT get the same treatment.
Generally speaking, people who come from Africa are looked down upon in Europe. There are several reasons for this:
1. In some European countries (Greece, Italy, Spain, Malta) there are not a lot of black people and the only black people they know are the asylum seekers who get on small boats to enter ‘fortress Europe’ or ‘the promised land’. A lot of them DIE trying to get to Europe, since the boats are not strong enough to contain them. It is a burden on the coastguards and the small communities near the beach. Since they have to receive large groups of refugees.
2. When they finally get to Europe, they are not treated well, since most people look at them as a burden. SInce they are not allowed to work they have to do all sort of things to survive. The men sell cheap tourist items on the street and a lot of women sell their bodies. When I went to Barcelona in Spain I would walk on the streets togheter with a friend who did a semester abroad. We would see dozens of African women walking the streets offering their bodies to white men. I don’t want to judge these ladies, because they are just trying to survive. But this doesn’t give Europeans a positive image of black people. I have read on travel blogs that black women complaned about being seen as a prostitute when visiting Europe. What i described above is one of the reasons for that.
3. Of course, not all Africans or people from african descent who live in Europe are asylumseekers. Most of them are born here ( like me) or are migrants and are doing well in society. There is still racism here, although it is not like in the US. The thing you have to remember is, your colour will always set you apart from the white Europeans. It doesn’t matter if you are born here and that even your parents are born here. The fact that you have a black skin reveales that you are not originally European, which makes you an eternal guest, to your fellow Europeans. You never really belong.
Just read these two articles:
https://www.elle.com/news/culture/french-response-to-miss-france-reveals-racism
And
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-23480489
( English is not my first language so I apologise for the probable spelling mistakes)
From BrownZara:
Your welcome. I am happy to contribute 🙂
I discoverd this site a year ago and I learned many things. For instance I never really knew that swirling is still such an issue in the States. I know it is not the default thing to do, but were I live it is quite normal. I have been shocked by the things I have read here.
I just wanted to make clear that even though European men are attracted to black women it doesn’t necessarily mean that Europe is a black woman’s paradise. Things are more complicated than that.
Also, being in a country as a tourist, au pair or exchange student is very different than actually living in a country and being part of that society as a black woman. As long as you are not perceived as a burden on society you’ll be fine. For American women that will be easier than for African women or women from the Caribean. So do your research before relocating. It is all about how rich, educated and westernized you are.
European men GO for black women who are:
‘westernized’
Wellspoken in english or the local language, so not swahili or arabic
educated
Femineme
good looking
have a natural look.
European men DON’T GO for black women who are:
Uneducated
From a 3 world country or ‘unwesternized’
Who are or look like an asylum seeker/ poor migrant
Don’t speak the language (unless you are clearly a tourist, because not speaking the language implies being a poor migrant)
Have bad weaves
Wear their hair in a thight bun with lots of gel
Look gettho or wear sports wear and sneakers
Rude or loud
Also, it is not necessarily about being very rich ( on the western level) is it about having class. Being an american works in your favor as being from a first world country.
But on the other hand the most information we get from black people in america is not very positive:
Big pimpin’, thuglife, ‘nigga this, nigga that’, ghetto, violence, poverty, baby momma’s, baby daddy’s, Tha Hood, Ferguson, etc. The hiphop and violent rap music image travels the world and we are not taken seriously for it. But as soon as people see that you are not like THAT and have class it is ok and european men can see you as a potential wife.
From ebonyandivory:
I live in Australia and I’m also a Sudanese woman. I have lived here for many years and I have experienced racism only a few times. Australia isn’t as racist as what is told and shown in the media. Yes there are a few here and there but aren’t those people found in every country. Don’t believe into that stereotype that Australia is a racist country because it really isn’t! It’s a beautiful country and I wouldn’t move anywhere else in the world.
I too agree that white men here in Australia are more open to dating interracially. Many that I’ve spoken to couldn’t care less what colour a woman is. Beautiful does not come in one race. One even told me that white men in general just think black women aren’t really going for them and so they don’t approach but I’ve realised many approach if you simply just smile and make eye contact with them.
African American women should study and travel abroad because I want ALL my sistas to have a man that respects, adores and loves them. Black women ARE worthy of love.
P.S I love this website! I check here everyday. There are African sistas here in Australia that love and support all that this blog offers.
From oekmama:
I’ve been wondering what I can share about Germany. All day.
The Best Places to meet German
-large cities like Berlin, Hamburg, Munich, Frankfurt and Cologne
-alternately, university cities (many Universities in Canada, US, etc have links with german univerisites, and if you push, you could get an exchange, an internship going)
-on holiday in other countries: Germans travel a lot! They love getting to know other cultures and are very adventurous travellers
What Germans generally think of foreigners
(Note- these are just generalizations based on my observations after more than 10 years living here)
-generally cautious (largest group of non-citizens here are the Turkish followed by Italians, Greeks, and so on). There’s more acceptance for fellow Europeans, followed by OECD countries, followed by holiday-type countries and so on down the line.
-generally more accepting of People coming from (nominally) christian countries, and a bit unsure of how to handle non-christians, while terrified of offending.
-a lot aren’t very church-going religious, although many want to live an ethically/morally good life. Many still let the govt siphon off church taxes because they think the church does good works with it.
-generally support the idea of giving those in need asylum, but have a vague idea that there are too many asylum-seekers or folks trying to scam the system in Germany. This feeling fluctuates a lot.
-have a fair amount of empathy towards black people, esp if you don’t fall in the asylum-seeker group.
-many don’t know any PoC and are quite pleased to know you. Big cities are more cosmopolitan.
-some will have in the back of their minds that you are a charity case because of your skin colour…
-Many don’t really understand why anyone would choose to live in Germany. That’s either because they love having their egos stroked about how beautiful Germany is, or they want to know what you are doing here. Or a mix of both.
I have to bring my kid to a birthday party!
Part II later, ladies…
From oekmama:
Part II
How Germans see BW
-very positively, especially if you take the time to learn German. A lot of men will stare. Older men will flirt and tell you about Harry Belafonte or what they experienced with BW in their youthful travels.
-a lot of folks are often unsure of what to say and would rather say nothing than the wrong thing. The best thing here, is to stay friendly, make the first move, and forgive one or two faux pas.
-my husband has no clue what a fetish is. His eyes glazed over when I was trying to explain it and ask him, so I gave up.
-many are fascinated with the skin colour -I already told the story about the boy in Kindergarten wanting to know if I tasted like chocolate.
How German men see Relationships
-on the one hand, the men range from the hook-up to the relationship guy. Most germans don’t seem in a rush to marry young, preferring a years-long relationship to marrying after a year or so of dating, like Americans. Many either live together or go for a registered partnership.
-German men make good fathers, and many fight for the right to be part of their children’s lives, even if they aren’t married to the mother. Which may involve actively preventing you from taking your chldren back to your home country if the relationship ends (I know of one such case, so not representative, but it happens).