I’ve seen the following observation spoken in so many ways before. However, I felt Kathy Henry’s comment in Jamila’s “Why So Much Hate For Black Women Who Are *Not* Down With The Swirl?” post was definitely worth talking about. She writes:

Some of the rhetoric used by black women who date outside of their race is the same rhetoric that black men have been using for years to explain their reasons for dating outside their race (Black Men are no good, Black women are angry golddiggers). If you happen to fall in love with a person who is not your race, there is nothing wrong with that because love has no color (corny but true) But you do not have to talk about black men or women like dogs to justify your personal dating choices.

Now, in some ways, I do agree with Kathy. What you decide to do with your life in terms of relationships should NOT be influenced to such a degree by other people. Perfect strangers in particular. You have not dated or mated with every single person in your ethnic group. You can say that your experiences pushed you in the direction of choosing to date interracially. But it’s not necessarily correct to state that the opposite sex who occupies your ethnic group is personally responsible for your need to look for love elsewhere. Love is love, and everyone is entitled to it, regardless of their race or ethnicity, or gender.

However, I must take issue with  the assumption that the rhetoric used by both black men and women is the same. Not always. You can have a black man and a black woman who have both been jaded by black dating experiences. They can both mean it when they say that dating black men or black women put them off of that group forever. However, let’s remember that black men date out FAR MORE OFTEN than black women, and are FAR MORE LIKELY to date interracially. In fact, black men are very likely to never date a black woman ever. And certainly far less likely to consider not dating anyone if they can’t find that ideal black woman. And why is that?

Black male privilege. This is the sexist assumption exercised by the beneficiaries of our global patriarchy that because they have a penis, they are entitled to stick it in whoever. As a black woman, I am not entitled to date whoever because according to these persons, I am meant to stay put and make my womb available whenever these persons get around to occupying it. This is why a black man will say all sorts of nasty things about why they don’t want black women, but will still mean mug if they see said black women with non-black mates. Because then it is about THEM, and more importantly, their male egos.

There are indeed black women who date out for all the wrong reasons. But given the lower numbers of black women who are IRR coupled, and the fact that black women tend to remain far more successfully interracially married than black men (despite the lower numbers), I think it’s fair to say that MOST black women who date out do so for reasons having nothing to do with black men or relative dysfunction. And like some black men, there are those of these women who’ve never bothered dating black men.

The difference here is that while you may have black women who say negative things about black men, there is a greater likelihood they are speaking about experiences they actually had rather than biases either meant to justify dating IRR or intra-racial prejudice aimed at someone simply because they are black. Are there black women who simply hate black men for being black? I don’t doubt it. But the numbers simply do not support the idea that this is a problem that could ever affect black men the way the reverse affects black women. IRR-minded women do not have the numbers, the privilege, or the power to make that so.

While I do not believe it’s necessary to “talk about black men or black women like dogs”, I think it is problematic to imply that black women are on equal footing when it comes to discussion of why one dates out, or equally to blame when it comes to “mud-slinging”. There is a sense that black men and black women are equally-yoked when it comes to dealing with dysfunction and limits that are placed on them regarding gender roles and attitudes about sex and relationships. We know or should know this isn’t true.

Questions:

What are your feelings about discussions where negative feelings are expressed towards black men and or black women who date out?

Do you think it’s fair to assume that black women who date out due to negative opinions of black men are just as culpable for their negative attitudes as black men who date out interracially?

Do you think black women who date out are more or less likely to care who black men date  and do you think it’s the same for black men in interracial relationships themselves? Why or why not?