Tamron Hall can keep a hell of a secret. In one fell swoop, she announced that she is eight months pregnant at age 48, and is interracially married. Oh…and she’s got a new show coming out. The double news of a pregnancy and interracial marriage has shocked many because a big chunk of the black community had no idea that she even had a husband, and that he was white. It’s almost as surprising as the news that The Real co-host, Loni Love finally, after a lifetime of solely dating black men, is now crazy in love with a white guy named James.

Loni Love and her boyfriend, James

As an advocate for black women expanding their dating option and the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate & Relate, Mixing Race, Culture & Creed, I am painfully aware of the challenges black women have finding quality, marriage-minded men when they limit themselves based on race. Yet, too many black women–professionally successful–wait to give love outside color lines a chance until it is nearly or altogether too late.

I remember privately coaching a black female media personality a few years back regarding her desire and hesitancy to explore her dating options. She would get excited at the prospect of finding quality men of all races to choose from, and then retreat into a bundle of nerves at the fear of her fanbase turning on her for “selling out.” Ultimately she couldn’t make the leap over the fence, and as far as I know, she is just as chronically single as she ever was.

While black women have made strides in education, careers, and starting businesses, in a global society, many of are still fully entrenched and influenced by the approval and tribal shaming within the black community. Our community tells us that success is not complete unless we are married to a successful black man, and anything else is a booby prize.

Concurrently I have witnessed a 33% rise in interracial marriage unions with black women since my book was published, and it is clear from movies, media, and commercials featuring a black female woman paired with a non-black man is indeed a thing. At this point, the holdout from black women who stubbornly dig in their heels for the dream of being black Cinderella only hurts them. Scooby snacks won’t buy you an engagement ring, sis.

The fact is, more black women should start casting wide nets for quality mates. Don’t eliminate black men from your dating pool, include other men too. In doing so, you’ll find that the desperation you feel about the slim pickings for IBM’s will dissipate when you realize there is power in having choices.

I do need to say this, however: if you are absolutely and unwaveringly committed to only pairing yourself with a black man, don’t dip your toe in the interracial dating pool. Nobody wants to be reminded they are  “the last man on earth” final solution to your aging ovaries and empty ring finger.