I am taking a break this week from Etiquette 101 to share a little from another one of my loves, French culture. One aspect of French culture I want to focus on this week is on French women and how they live and love, and believe me, they do plenty of both! In my research, the authors of the different books I read on the subject spoke the same thing on several different topics about French women and I began to wonder if we as American women could benefit from their approach to life. These are just observations, you are welcome to disregard, but I do hope you will at least ponder the possibility of what French women have gained from these principles. (Disclaimer: I speak of traditional French women, not the Americanized ones!)

1. French Women do not use their female friends as their confessional.

French women are extremely self-contained and very private. Their female friends know very little about their personal lives until they have known them a very, very, very, long time, and even with that length of time they censor what they share. Debra Ollivier, author of “Entre Nous: A woman’s guide to finding her inner French girl”, recalls one of her friends did not share anything about her private life with her until they had known each other for over 10 years! French women are discreet about what they say and about what they don’t. They truly understand that less is more. This is not to say that they do not chat up a storm with their girlfriends, but it will be about non-personal topics, like the latest book they have read, their favorite poet, artist, politics, etc. Many American women on the other hand seem to share too much too soon to their own detriment. A woman I worked with started telling me very personal things about her family which made me feel very uncomfortable because I barely had known her a month! I learned to never share anything personal with her because I was sure she would talk about me just as freely to others. One of the benefits of sharing very little about oneself is that being a little bit mysterious is much more appealing to people (especially men) than being a Confessing Catherine.

2. They love to eat and diet is a four letter word.

Freshly baked baguette, chocolate, wine, cheese, and butter! French women savor their food like they savor a good lover. They do not spend hours obsessing about their weight or the latest diet. They do not apologize for enjoying good cuisine, but here is the key, moderation! French women do not “super size” anything. (Unless they are Americanized, the concept is lost on them) They eat lots of fresh food and detest processed food. They have just enough from each course to savor and satisfy which is in very small portions while here in America, meal portions are enough for two adults or three small children. The reason they eat in such small portions is because they eat fresh quality food, which is more satisfying than an abundance of unhealthy food. A glass of fine red wine is more pleasurable than a gallon of diet coke, one piece of Godiva chocolate or an expensive French truffle is way more satisfying than an entire Hershey bar and a few slices of toast with foie gras is a more delicious than a bowl of potato chips. If a French woman gains a few pounds, she just quietly cuts back on her favorite foods for a few days without all the fanfare of complaining to their men or girlfriends about how “fat” they are and if you have ever been to France you will notice that most French women are not!

3. French Women do not date, but they have dinner parties and they have a Coterie

What do you mean they don’t date, how do they meet men? Simple they will tell you men are everywhere, in libraries, coffee shops, a theatre, just keep your options open and do not start planning the wedding and naming your future kids with a guy who just said a simple “hello”. Enjoy the moment and see where it leads. The other way they meet men is that they throw lots of dinner parties. The complaint that French women seem to have with the American date is that it feels more like a job interview to them and if the guy is a horrible bore, it is a waste of their time and beauty on a man that she will never see again. French women love to throw dinner parties is because it is a great opportunity to move about the room getting to know people and flirt a little without having to sit glued to a table at a restaurant with a man she realizes is a creep. Dinner parties are a great opportunity to show off her culinary and social skills and possible impress the man she has her eye on.

On the flip side, when she is invited to dinner parties or events and she does not want to attend alone, she enlists the support of her coterie. A coterie would be her “posse”, but here is the catch, they are not women they are men! French women understand that men are competitive creatures by nature and understand that they usually want what another man has so they attend these events with a few male friends (and even some exes) where they tease, they flirt, laugh and celebrate. If a man wants to get to know her better, he has to get through her coterie to get to her. Because it is a part of the culture, French men are very aware of the game. This practice is so common that in France they had a sitcom in the 1990’s called Le Miel et les Abeilles which translates “The Honey (The woman) and the Bees (Her coterie)”. To have a male coterie in America may be misunderstood but it seems to be very effective in France. If you decide to go for it, it would be wise not to have a female coterie, I have heard it spoken by American men that they do not like to approach a woman surrounded by a herd of women and if we are honest, we know too many female friends may undermine our endeavors if they want the guy you are eyeing for yourself. If you have a few male friends who are willing to go along, give the coterie principle a try, you might be surprised, besides what woman would not want an entourage of affectionate male admirers with no pressure for sex?

4. French women love men, they don’t try to change them, and they don’t try to be “equal” with them.

I can hear some you now, hey we love men too and what is wrong with equality??? Yes I know, I am not here to tell you otherwise but I do submit to you their perspective on dealing with men. French women do not spend time trying to change men; they accept them at face value. They know men at times can be annoying, totally unreasonable, and they at times have to resist the urge to throw something at their head, but they see them as they are, accept their male traits, short comings and do not try to change them. Their perspective is that the things that make us uniquely female and the things that make them uniquely male are to be enjoyed, respected and if need be accepted. If things do not work out well, they try to end the relationship as friends and the man becomes a potential member of her coterie (wink). One thing they do not do is sit around with other women and have complaining sessions on how horrible men are. In fact they do not care for socializing with women all the time, they are used to socializing in mixed groups; male and female. French women do enjoy pleasing men (and it is not always sexual) and do not apologize for it. As far as equality goes, French women use their femininity to their advantage to level the playing ground, they do not sacrifice it nor do they try to castrate men in the process.

5. French women are comfortable in their own skin, embrace their sexiness and know how to keep them replenished.

Although French women do not support being overweight, they do know that sexiness is not a dress size, a woman’s size should be a size that reflects a healthy lifestyle, evidence that she takes good care of herself. They embrace their curves and they have an ongoing love affair with themselves. This is not narcissism, but a healthy celebration of the beauty of being a woman. They know that men will always be attracted to them because of one simple fact, they are a WOMAN and because of this fact alone they revel in the adoration they receive from the opposite sex. France’s national symbol is a French woman bare breasted waving the French flag leading the way so the very symbol of France is that of a woman not a man!

A French woman’s sexy style is beautifully simple because they never want to look like they are trying too hard. They keep the make up simple and when they dress, they dress for themselves. Their style is uniquely their own which they use to show off whatever assets of their womanhood they desire; their legs, a little cleavage, their stomach, etc. but it is usually very discreet and very elegant. It might be a pair of tailored jeans with a sexy sheer top or a sexy leather skirt with a simple knit top. Whatever her fashion choice, her femininity is on full display, accompanied with her signature fragrance and always with sexy lingerie underneath. While she dresses to please herself, attracting male attention is never far from her thoughts. (Think Audrey Hepburn chic with a 21st century twist NOT Rhianna )

Self pampering is a part of her life as much as breathing. From a young age, she is taught the importance of ‘a prendre soin de soi (to care for themselves). Oils, creams and other beauty products are used religiously to care for and pamper her body. The time she takes to pamper herself is not only for her benefit but for her man’s as well. He knows that it will lead to more passion and intimacy when the time is right, but even if there is no man in her life she adores it for herself! her body is the only one she has and she treats it as a gift to be treasured. Again I can hear some of you protesting and saying,“self pampering is nothing new, I have my milk baths, manicures, pedicures, etc.” Ah yes but many times there is a difference in the outcome between American and French women when it come to self pampering and Jamie Cat Callan author of “French Women Don’t Sleep Alone” had this to say:

“…the main difficulty our American men have with our taking so much time to bathe and dress and primp is that all this attention we pay to our faces and our bodies does not necessarily lead to our feeling happy and sexy and good about ourselves…we’ve taught them that caring for ourselves does not lead to more intimacy, confidence or a sense of female power. It leads to less intimacy and more insecurity. And so they say enough!”

And finally, if the French woman does not vent to her girlfriends or her man, how does she decompress her frustrations and rejuvenate herself emotionally? Every French woman has her “Secret garden” the place she goes to be alone and re-focus. Her garden is usually not a literal garden (though it could be) It could be spending Sunday morning in bed with breakfast and the Sunday paper, it could be a good book, or a secret lover her husband does not know about (that is for another discussion). It is her own private space where she can seek emotional solitude, it is her mental vacation, her escape from the crazy world around her (for a while at least). When she re-emerges, she is able to resume life unburdened by the past day’s, week’s, or month’s drama on her shoulders.

I do not claim to be an expert of French women and French culture, I found in my research these principles enlightening and delightful. I know some may say that they already do these things to which I say wonderful, and I hope you are benefiting greatly from them, to those who have not, I hope you will meditate and consider as I have and it will encourage you to find your Joie De Vivre (joy of living).

Suggested reading:

French women Don’t Sleep Alone By Jamie Cat Callan
All You Need to Be Impossibly French By Helena Firth Powell

Entre Nous: A Woman’s Guide to finding her inner French girl By Debra Olliver